n s h e w i l l be l o v e d :::..

hmmm

2008-07-20T22:11:00.002+08:00

who would know that ill be back to blogging here. it's been a while. since i blogged. too lazy, too tired.

speaking of tired, i am tired of a lot of things. of being in r/s that goes nowhere.

i miss some people. sabariah rashid. darius. rasyidi. but yet i make excuses to stay at home. well not exactly make excuses, but just...i dunno.

this few days, ive been feeling really down. especially at work. i just dun have the will to work. work makes me feel miserable. not sure what it is. you know, when you have this moment where you talk to urself? i do that all the time. and i ask myself. what's wrong? nothing seems rite. i dun lit up with all the answers i gave myself. music no longer cheers me up. sigh

you know, i think dreams are the biggest feelings *player*. dreams as in those you have when you sleep. It can make me feel so sad at one time and feel so loved in another. i think mayb thats why ive been feeling so depressed. dreams makes me feel and experience something that i cannot get in reality. not yet i hope. it makes me yearn for that happiness. that tranquility. anyhoo. maybe its just not the time yet.

or maybe its just the start of school that im putting on my serious mode.

whatever it is, at the end of the day, i don't feel like doing anything. if anything, i just wanna stay home. sigh.

Lyrics | Death And All His Friends lyrics

2006-12-05T01:22:00.000+08:00

hmmm
its me all abt me now. ive got to loosen up. too uptight. n ive gt to forgot abt all this. there r so many things to think abt.

no more minor minor things. chant this. chant chant chant chant chant.
let go of urself. hmmmm.

2006-10-24T21:16:00.000+08:00

its hari raya. well the first day, wld like to wish the muslim a selamat hari raya, with this, i would like to ask for forgiveness for words that ive said, for the things ive done if in anyway it offended or wronged you.

went out with 05/06 guys. had fun. still wacky as ever. if only aishah was arnd den it wld be a complete circle. for me at least. hmmm it was only a year ago. time flies really fast.

dee's birthday was on deepavali. celebrated it earlier on with just him and me. but i joined his family's celebration as well, baked him an oreo cheesecake. din haf much faith in the cake but it turned out just fine. thank god. well i enjoyed dat evening.

hmm and as for weiyin's bday, im sorry i missed it. happy belated bday to u.

hmm. ive lost touch in alot of things. my architecture skills. and etc... i think its time i relearn everything. my sis had dreams of my late mum crying, well ive not been a filial daughter. i should pray more... at least for her. and of cos. read entries on my aunt abt my grandma. yeah my grandma was an important figure in my life. she defined me who i am now.

i have plenty more to say... but wats der to share rite? its my tots, i just cant pen it down. well im working tmr...

i made mistakes. and i realised that no matter how many sorrys i say and no matter how many times the other party says its okay, things cant just be the same. words were said, feelings were hurt, its irreversible. and u think to urself. why are things so complicated. its impossible to be free with wat u say, to be democratic and to be liberal. you watch wat u say to be democratic or liberal, to appear them... hmmm...and den ur not urself.

2006-10-14T12:11:00.000+08:00

afternoon spore!!

just got back from work. cant sleep. well more like i dun wan to waste my day sleeping. i have plans today to indulge myself. later maybe.

hmmm had a pretty tough time at work yest. i cant stress more how much i dislike this person. everything bt dat person. god save me. do u noe how i feel? i feel like a clown. putting up a mask just to put up with some ppl. smiley on the outside, but inside its crumbling. sigh
true to wat some ppl said, be patient. bear with it. well i am now...

hmmm trying my luck with cheese swirl brownie. ve got the mood to be the ms kitchen today.
*does a curtsy with a twirl* well, i haf to go and get some stuffs later and run some errand. and to wyna, well if ur reading, im super sorry i cldnt make it for ur bday party yest. mayb this is one of the factors dat affected me yest nite.

oh congrat me pls. *grin* im a full pledged paracounsellor. the course brought back memories. feelings dat were meant to be kept. it made me think bt my mum. well, i acted a role dat suit well to d feelings dat i had. i reread my pass entries of 2 yrs ago. yeah. lot had change. 2 years seems a long time. but yet i cant seem to forgive myself for the things i didn do. guilt ridden. still cant forget the pain. u can only wonder y.

hmmm anyway m excited bt the upcoming events. its 14th today. just realised im lost in my own world. lost track of time.

2006-10-11T20:43:00.000+08:00

hey hey im back. hmmm anyway im undergg a one-wk course for paracounsellor. something meaningful i hope.

im happy. somehow. u noe, ive met nice ppl during this course. cheerful n happy ppl. their experiences. their knowledge.

but u noe der r drastic changes going on rite now. im feeling rather withdrawn. my two pillars r gonna get transferred out of stn. i feel like screaming crying jumping, y happen now? but this is inevitable. it had to happen sooner or later. im trying to adapt to that idea. adapting to a new drc. a DART drc. goodness. n i haf to work doubly hard now to get to where i am nw with the new drc. its tough nw dat i wld be the only lady in the fire stn. drastic. sigh.

i dun tink ive mentioned much bt mr police officer. is nt dat i aint into him. rather i appreciate him arnd me, my companion dat he is assuring himself. times when we had our lil disagreements but i swear to myself, i wldn want it any other way. he's my bestfren, my partner n my someone special too. he soothes me unknowingly. he is my private counsellor, unknowingly too.
and for thousand more of reasons i appreciate him for hu he is...

2006-09-30T14:24:00.000+08:00

for booba, here it goes.

been slacking bumming arnd the house. and im working tmr. and i dun really lyk my turnout for the day. not one of my favourites but i can live with it. away from stn. haha i wld be happy if my leave is approved but chances r, not. haha

ermm. wat can i say?
wat's been gg on??

i tell u my daily routine. work 24 hr, home, slp, finish up some work and den mayb go out? and den stay home n get as much rest as possible n den maybe go out? boring lah. i ND a break from work. from all those imf standby, cbd event. been non stop. so i deserve a brk soon. somewhere out of spore. chill out with frens.

arhhh.... work is work as wat someone always tells me. so live with it or die with it.

hmmm anyway i haf to admit this, one of the reason why i dislike gg fire post is that i dislike the fact that i haf to drive the red rhino. dunno why, its creepy driving it. and oh by the why i passed my class 3! hip hip hurray for me. i wanna get a car, i wanna drive... suzuki swift or honda jazz wld be nice. but getting a car now is like a suicide. that can wait

and there wld be major changes in my stn. i'll update.

meanwhile, i miss my babes. my frens. tag me ya.

and alot of other things too. heh.

been awhile...

2006-05-25T00:37:00.000+08:00

been awhile since i last logged in, or shall i say blogged.

i haf to say there was nth much dat was worth mentioning or nth much been bothering me. and maybe for now there is something dats bothering. nt really sure why.

been thinking bt this for a long while, i wanna haf a taste of staying by myself/ solely me. i hate the idea of staying off ppl. namely bcos they dont like it either i believe. im not saying im having trouble at home. just dat it wld nice being independent. no one to bother about or be bothered abt. or maybe m better off dead. watever it is, m just rambling.

i hate feeling unnecessary things. there are time where i feel like sleeping my life off. which is i dont bother much bt wat ppl say, do or wats happening arnd me. i really think its a waste of time. and maybe m at the bottom of a pit rite now. feeling lost and confused.

work wise, things been gg well i believe. dun wanna rush into things. taking my time to learn everything again. politics, can bvr avoid. m trying to live with it. i hate the tots of betrayal and gossips and everything/ but sometimes i wld bear wit it. ppl sucking up gives me the shivers.

i dunno. im confused. abt lots of thing. maybe its just a phase. a period of time where i feel like shooting ppl dwn at watever is or were said. or did or do. feeling mean n evil. been controlling alot and i hate the feeling.

life is precious and short. dun wan to restrict myself to just settling down and haf kids. ( i hope thats not offensive to anyone, just my personal view)there is more to life den dat. i dun want to dedicate my life to just one person. its an evil thing to say. oh well. pains are avoidable. unnecessary feelings are avoidable. dun get me wrong. im having no problems with dee. sometimes, its the phase of wanting out. it'll go. one of those things i believe. greediness nvr breed good happenings or endings.

2006-04-12T12:00:00.000+08:00

hmm. 2nd day off. started work on mon. tiring. really. got back home at arnd 5pm. so it was accumulative lethargicness. haha but its a new experience. trying to get use to it.

anyway updates. i passed out on 31st march. it was a memorable but yet solemn ceremony knowing that every one of us wld be going our own seperate ways after 6mths trg together. laugh, cry, suffer together. *smiles* well, it'll all haf to end ya. i dunno what im in for in the future but lately i think i had been lucky. my instructor during my 6mth was a fab guy. he knew wat he was doing and a real humble guy. and now that im posted to sengkang fire stn, during my one day observation of my drc, i can safely conclude he's not a bastard. right amt of leadership quality( tho i dunno how much is right amt). someone that i can look up to. i heard lots of goods things bt him anyway. and my fellow colleagues r fine. just a lil thing that im still nt at ease abt. working arnd with men. its nt dat im afraid of them, its the expectation i put on myself working with them. i believe that i need to improve myself in alot of ways. knowledge wise and physically/strength wise. i dun want to depend on them and i dun want them to think im weak. im capable of doing things by myself. i wld only ask if i cant so ive gt to get rid of this mindset they haf on me.

and my genting trip was fantastic. really. i had a grt time. for myself personally and the whole fam. the rides that we took was damn fun ar. space shot especially. a grt bonding time. more of it i hope. ahah. i had a good break. *smiles*

and everythings been gg well. *smile*

3.33.3

2006-03-05T00:23:00.000+08:00

okay. have not updated for a very long time but no worries, im back.
haha one more mth before i pass out. time flies real fast. times i had in camp.
went brunei for a week, was not back at home for two weeks. came back withs lots of sandflies everyWHERE!!!! hahaha i was suffering. it was making me sick. well sick in the brain seeing all the bites all over. but im fine now. cos well i haf lots of will power not to scratch you see.

as usual i always haf alot to say but i guess its best i keep it mum or in another im just to lazy to type. things have changed. alot i c. my frens. been up there and down there ( not really sure wat i mean). was looking thru my frenster. well seen lots of changes.how out of touch i am of the world. how ppl change, physically and well emotionally. but im not gonna go to detail. changes are always welcomed.

upon seeing malik;s bike, im very much tempted to get my bike license asap which im gonna do. gonna register next week and hope i'll get it by this year. hahah malik's bike is nice. *beam* am very very eager to get my hands on my own transport. well, wif the support of U, i hope it'll b soon.

hmmmm things are going real smooth. hope to get my fire badge in 4 weeks time. genting trip with family. and followed by 5 days of rest. and start working at fire station.really cant wait to start working. i had a cool time during my attachment, the adrenaline rush, running up to the pumper. just pray i get a good posting. *smiles* as for now, shall appreciate my buds and endure my last 3 weeks of trgs. its gonna be tough but no pain no gain darling.

2006-01-30T09:41:00.000+08:00

haha. im back. as you can see above, those are my rota mates. fun ppl to be with but IRRITATING at times. haha i guess its normal when there is a huge of number ppl grouped together, with the same focus, to complete our 6mth course.

my encik, super nice guy, to my opinion. a good role model.
and of cos the rest of the peepz. in this course itself, ive met ppl from all walks of life that im sure i wldn take notice of even if i walk 100 times down the orchard road. the opportunity given to me is something i wont forget. its frustrating but then again, i aint perfect myself.

and i noe recently. ive been exploring more bout myself. NOT physically of cos. but emotionally. testing the limits. the control of my own emotions. and more. but i'll stop it here. n im happy. papa charlie.

Sometimes, I imagine the world without you
But most times, i’m just so happy that i ever found you
It’s a complicated web, that you weave inside my head
So much pleasure with such pain
How we always, always stay the same

I’m feelin’ the way you cross my mind
And you save me in the nick of time
I’m ridin’ the highs, i’m diggin’ the lows
‘cause at least I feel alive
I’ve never faced so many emotional days
But my life is good
I’m feelin’ you
I’m feelin’ you

You go, and then i can finally breathe in
‘cause baby I know, in the end you’re never leavin’
Well we’re rarely ever sane, i drive you crazy and you do the same
But your fire fills my soul
And it wounds me up like no one knows

'cause I’m feelin’ the way you cross my mind
And you save me in the nick of time
I’m ridin’ the highs, Ii’m diggin’ the lows
‘cause at least I feel alive
I’ve never faced so many emotional days
But my life is good
I’m feelin’ you
I’m feelin’ you

yeah true. nvr felt so many emotional days before. i guess its true. it made u "soft". *smiles*

2005-12-26T03:04:00.000+08:00

haha. been awhile since i was last online

i was just thinking n eating my curry chicken. thinking of the things that i probably i haf to hide abt. i figured der is nth much dat i wanna hide abt. as in ive gotten to a point where hiding is pointless,

alot of things happen recently. trgs haf been good. tough part coming soon. i dun mind seriously cos den time will fly really fast.

m afraid of looking ahead. noe wat i'll continue another day...getting slpy..

2005-11-25T23:42:00.000+08:00

hahah am back just for update.

been really tired. ermm nt really. but seriously im enjoying my time in the camp no matter hw f-up the instructors can be or how hot the weather can get or just tiring everything gets... the company makes it all better.

haha oh well. it stops here ar. my weekends r seriously short.

2005-10-30T01:21:00.000+08:00

hey hey. am online. just for a moment

been a mth with cda ya. haha things been fine. trg is tough. am trying to get use to it.
but den again to think abt it, i believe fire fighting is a respectable profession.
ppl run away from fire but they run towards it to save ppl. really. after gg thru the trg, i realised it takes alot to be one. physically n mentally fit. only god noes how torturing it is standing in a hot sun with jacket n leggings.. m sure there are more to go. im gonna take each day as it is.

n m sure i'll be proud once i pass out after my trg but dat will be in like 5 and a half mth. wish me luck ppl...

anyway.. will update more hw im doing..

Gallantly Fighting Your Fears.

2005-09-28T18:47:00.000+08:00

okay. might as well update myself up here. i tot i was pretty selfish for keeping to myself
so before i go missin and tired and everything, just a lil update,

happy belated bday aish. love ya. cant seem to reach out to u. hmm. anyway hugs.

cut my hair real short. in preparation for my trg. =D haha so im a wax gerl now.

am going in for my fire and rescue specialist on 3rd of oct. am a civil servant now. haha signed all the contract

ermm suzi, if ur reading this, my fren said abt the course u wanna take, take up the course in temasek poly. language doesn matter.

and im happy wif myself now. and ive got grt plans ahead for myself.

2005-09-26T00:32:00.000+08:00

back. i guess.
i cant deny this. i hate changes. but i believe i can adapt.
just that changes changes everything. duh of cos. it makes ppl come in n out of ur life.

as much as i treasure them, i cant hold on to them, cos they have their own lifes.

true but sad. i wont let get this to me. but when i do think bt it. it does affect me.

as much as i want to spend my whole life with them, things will nvr go ur way. thus y i try nt to look forward wit dem in it. cos i noe if i do, im just preparing myself for disappointment. sad. really. im just a sad case person, wit no guts. maybe selfish?

hmmm. dun bother. just feel e nd to keep up wif my feelings.

ive changed alot. really. since the past few mths. and for the upcoming mths, im sure i will change alot. left wit a week more. just to chill out. before the 6mths trg. im getting the butterflies in tummy. haha yep. fire and rescue specialist. pray for me ya.

2005-09-18T21:08:00.000+08:00

on 2nd tot. maybe i nt gonna delete this after all.
i may not update regularly. but just the need to say something to keep myself sane
and to indirectly announce im still alive. n kicking.

yeah. thats it.

too much of incoherent thoughts.

bye i guess

2005-09-06T00:56:00.000+08:00

been a awhile since the last i updated. been rather keeping to myself.

nth much to update really.

im feeling disgusted. at how things are. acceptance. things ppl do. ignorance.
i just hate the feeling. such feelings nvr failed to resurface.

the pretentious upfront of everything. how everything is just a made up. nothing is ever real anymore. its like looking something that is a translucent glass wall. you know what's going on behind that wall due to the shadows, but the fact that it is translucent sicken the tot. don't understand? doesn matter. bottom line is, mayb i shouldn say much. will just make you beware of me.

n the fact that we do get so caught up in our life, its just unforgiveable. i dunno why im babbling about this. it just gets to me. ppl gets to me. reality gets to me. maybe i want so much for everything to be right for everyone dat it kills me to see its not happening. maybe i shldnt bother so much. no one cares rite?

i had to go for jogging. hoping that maybe, the *endorphins wld ease the pain and eat up all those tots i had on my mind. it did i guess. it was just screaming out of my head slowly. den tots of hw to make myself feel better.maybe i deserve that lil pretty slip ons. i dunno. or maybe a haircut? after gg on for rounds, it just got numb. was just stoned. probably dats y i fell the other time. nth cld in or go out.

im just a numbed person. i have no feelings. indifference to anything. or maybe i MAKE myself numb to certain things. cos apparently i had enough emotions to tear up while reading some book. seems like a pretty long entry to me.
noe wat, don't let what ive mentioned above get to you. i think its just my lack of sleep and my excitement. lack of slp suh is a grumpy suh. i cant control what i say. not filtered. nt tactful. incoherency. im not saying that when im wide awake, whatever i say is fake. its still the truth but put in a nicer way of sentence structure. or words. wif no intention of hurting feelings. sorry

my dislikeness for guys has increased. somehow. am i opening up? cos im scaring myself.

hw i wish i can erase certain phase of my life. cos im pretty sure im nt fated to face it again.

*Any of a group of peptide hormones that bind to opiate receptors and are found mainly in the brain. Endorphins reduce the sensation of pain and affect emotions.

took this pic at NewSpace, thanks to booba new digicam.
lil things dat cheers me up. thks 2 u. =)

THE goreng pisang that i loveD. delicious. pisang tanduk. haha and the jemput2 also.=D

me n booba. o well. wasting our time during lunch. cos work sux n din want to waste it in the office.

noe wat. i tink dis may just be the last entry.

2005-08-28T07:14:00.000+08:00

am blessed in a way. love my family. got my replies. great frens arnd. wat more can i ask for?
just strength to thru obstacles in life. syukur alhamdulillah.

had a nasty fall yest nite. to the extend that i cant do my routines properly. grrr.

2005-08-23T21:10:00.000+08:00

been awhile since i last blog.been doing a lot of thinking. of wat? i dunno.
just random tots. of things that had happened to me.

ive changed alot. i hope in a good way. ppl ive met, circumstances i went thru.

arh. had a rough morning. somehow. haha just flashbacks of 1 yr ago. hmm. sorry im still brooding over it. but hey its part of me.

oh. deep tots buried in me. dare not question it out, cos i noe it seems more like rhetorical questions. tho i do question some to YOU booba.
i guess some things are best felt not explained.

2005-08-18T19:45:00.000+08:00

haven gt the chance to blog. well now i do.

im jealous. of u booba! haha one day i'll get that feeling. just you wait. *grin*

i don't wanna mention anything here. am afraid i'll get disappointed.

ermmm. the past few days been good i guess.

grrrrrrrrr. nth to update. hmmmm. *thinks hard*

ermm. im feeling rather contented with the way things are. cant be more happier. for now.
dunno why. cant explain the feelings. maybe i got my feelings sorted out. internally. the songs. the peeps i have. tho work sux. i guess its the jogs. it releases extra endorphins--the way chocolate does to people. *grins*

2005-08-16T01:40:00.000+08:00

i guess things happens for a reason.

im glad i got it figured out.

im glad U got it figured out dear. tings happen for a reason. if its not now, den soon, when u r ready. love ya.

i wish that things wont change. my heart wont change. the surroundings wont change. n u guys wont change. and i'll remain this happy. with nothing to worry bout. but sadly. things change. and im afraid of that. i dont wanna fall for anyone. i don't wanna go thru that heartache. i don't wanna go thru emotional turmoil. i dun wanna face up to anything cos seriously, im quite happy the way i am now. i don't want to meet anyone, i don't wanna give anyone a chance. its sickening i guess. knowing dat the r/s arnd got screwed up somehow. i dislike guys. for now. my liking for them is not enough for me to fall for them.

life's pretty screwd up itself, but im sure things will get better cos everything is pre-planned. u dun question.

2005-08-11T21:20:00.000+08:00

arhhhh... malas nak layan...

i wont bother to show that i care anymore...
silence IS bliss

2005-08-11T07:18:00.000+08:00

oooh. my throat is very swollen. cant talk properly. i feel so sick.

2005-08-10T12:29:00.000+08:00

im frustrated. thinking about what i wanna do in my life. this job is boring. nothing close to what i aspire to do in my life. all i do is just sit down and click the mouse to get drawings out. i cant do something that is deskbound. this is pathetic. i wanna venture into social working or maybe food business ( revive back my roots).

i don't get the satisfaction from doing this. selfish maybe. not fulfiling at all.
i wanna change job..................

god pls help me.

i have so much to say. this frustration. the excitement i had when i saw the light but it started to diminish when i saw the admission requirements. i need to talk to someone bout this. i need opinions. useful ones. bleuk.

and i have no intention of getting close to any guy. get this right k suh.

2005-08-10T07:16:00.000+08:00

remember this.there are two sides to a coin. whatever we believe, love or hate, there is always another to it that we cant live without for it to happen.

you'll remain as just someone distant. let HIM plan everything. i have faith...

let me elaborate on my previous post. its my colleague. he's not a toad.not someone mean. just that when i first entered the office, i tot he has nice pretty dimples. n i tot he was cute. in a manly way. it was nvr a romantic feeling towards him. just someone that i lookED up to. but it changed somehow after i sat beside him. lil things that he did makes ermm very indonesian or philipines maybe? haha i dun wanna say much. im entitled to my own opinion.

2005-08-08T12:20:00.000+08:00

my prince charming is now a toad....

and im very sleepy......

2005-08-05T12:24:00.000+08:00

im bored n fiza said update blog. so here i am!

haha. why do i start wearing tudung? have nvr managed to ans that qn properly with clear cut answers.
there are so many factors that add up to the decision to wear one.
had been thinking of wearing it long before i broke up with him. but circumstances at that point of time din allow me to carry out my intentions. and so i had ivp and school all that. so i kept the intentions to myself. till of cos end of skool. and then i have those trial lion red trgs and then 4pm volunteering stuffs. and work and situations(serrano interior design, camp, frens) that happened inbetween just made me more determined. and yesh.. so here i am.

anyway. im so afraid of the future. afraid of the things that may happen. dun ask why or what. the fear is there. again. there are factors that i do not wanna share that made me started so these factors gonna make me stay rooted to the ground and rempuh whatever obstacles coming along... and whatever i am searching for has to be the way i want it to be. booba... get it?

hmmmmmm..

i lyk this song alot. by kelly rowland...

clover walked in
In his baggy jeans and his Prada shoes
He had a nice shirt, nice scent, nice ice
But he's not the one--the one I'd choose
He was the type I never had
Country and thug with lots of class
Something inside me made me hesitate
So I made him wait

Didn't think he was the one to treat me right
Until he found the love I tried to hide
He said

Love Lives in strange places
Its the obvious, that never shows now,
it just might find you
when you least expect ityou'll never know,
you'll never know
until you just let go

Now my baby sister's got a two way
And a cell phone
She's always happy when she gets a page
But that's not love, girl, that's not a home
Real love isn't digital, isn't physical
It's the one that can reach inside
And you don't know why, but it makes you whole

So if you want the one who reaches deep
Let him see the you that's underneath

It's in the corners of the sky
In the shadows of your mind
The unexpected suddenly
Like the child of destiny
No, you can't control the way
So just have faith

so nice rite the lyrics. i like it alot. how true. hmmmm.. just have faith ya.

2005-08-04T21:42:00.000+08:00

k peeps i got my line back. hmmm... yeah. it took me this long. think im better off with a fone eh? seems to make no diff to me.

2005-08-04T15:49:00.000+08:00

i posted something, somehow its gone. o well...

i cant focus on my work. its just too dready...

i read his blog. been ages since i last went there. and ya he din update since then. i miss him alot. somehow as a friend. army changed us, our r/s-frenship alot i guess. i had so much hope on him. if i were to blame anyone for wat i am feeling now, it had to be me. everything happens for a reason and i believe that whatever he did bear valid reasons which its not meant for me to know yet or understand. like what i said, GOD wont give you what you cant handle. oh, just how much i miss those times, our conversations till dawn. things we know bout each other its beyond comparable. we were close once, n drifted. again we gt close and nw gt drifted again, i hope if we do regain our friendship back, it'll be just as special and long lasting. insya allah. note- just friends will be enough. i think. i love him as a fren very much.

and matin. he is another crazy fren of mine that i don't wanna lose. love him lots too. as a fren k. nt more den that.

2005-08-04T15:30:00.000+08:00

muahaha.

heh i like my new skin. got moo moo. stars and pink. nice rite.

im lazy to do my own skin already. soon. when i have a one week holiday.(which i doubt will ever happen unless i gt a reply from whichever i sign on for)

niway i hope by tmr i'll get back my line

and i miss my 4pm peeps. mariam...fotos eh?

graduation pics from fiza darl.

2005-08-03T17:04:00.000+08:00

me, malik n fiza at tumbletots. had fun there! thanks darls for the company.

haha i duno where or who took this pic( i haf a feeling its fiza) but this is ME. muahaha

us. we three. i love you guys.
oh.. aish, fiza n me!

haha i lyk this pic. thats xinyi!

me and aish. i love u babe. come out wit us often. muacks. erh i look damn chubby lah.

2005-08-03T10:39:00.000+08:00

it is true said that, GOD wont give you what you cant handle...

im still disturbed by the past. im terrified of the punishment for it...

im still sorry bout the saturday. not sure how to ask for forgiveness. scared. i'll try my best to make up for it. so sorry.

tots. n bored

2005-08-01T14:37:00.000+08:00

i've realised that maybe, me being such an ignorant person, in some way, i did hurt some people's feelings. i feel out of place at times. not knowing why.

im feeling rather nt myself today. i don't feel the way i was. okay. its not only today. its the past few days. im not focus in whatever i do or did. and when i do get excited about something, the feelings 'll got lost midway...back to the slumber me. i'll be too caught up in my own tots, my own world that i forget things easily. thus explain y i can be such a blur. i admit. i am blur (to mariam). hah. im sorry. if i did leave u guys out of my world. my own tots. just forgive me ya...

why? y am i feeling inadequate? hmmm. past tots always seems to haunt me. its not impt wat it is, but why issit still arnd? if to say i hate you, it seems irrelevant or just plain dumb. and if its bcos i still have feelings for you, its impossible. arh... i don't even noe wat is this entry about. incoherency eh..

everything is kept inside.

down...
downnn...
downnnnnnnnnnn...

just hope things get better soon... the sky will be brighter.... and what?

heh.

i thnk its the weather.

clownish me.
this phrase runs deep...

2005-07-31T00:24:00.000+08:00

there is so much to say. ever since yr 1. dat i entered poly, i haf to say i've not regretted a single. mayb just one. my r/s i had wif him. even that made me who i am now.

how much i miss skool. the melayu boleh gang and the bubble tea gang. combine these two, you get 'see you there' gang. the other gang is of cos the vroom vroom gang eh. always on the go. haha my first yr and the 3rd yr was the most memorable one. the studio and the lab. yr 2 was just some super fast phase that i believe we had to go thru quickly to get to 3rd year.

to booba and aish. i miss our time together in skool. the pavillion. running away, jus not to see the lecturers cos we had nth to show to them. how much time flew past us without us realising it.
how crazy we cld get. with shereen, its double the kecohness. how each of us were there to lend a listening ear to each other. our woes and happiness. its something i can nvr forget. and here again, im working with u fiza. which im really happy abt. u nvr failed to bring a smile to my face and thats the only consolation i have working in archi company.and i secretly hope we can still work together till of cos we get married or watever lah.

i have nothing much to say abt the guys but nevertheless u guys too were one of the reasons y schools were fun. the stupid jokes and endless comments during our lunch time. rem, our lunches? where nasir wld just diss any girls or guys he thinks were nt up to his taste. the ganguro girl game. the www.fhm.com webby. arrr.. all those memories. these things can nvr be replaced again, but to be kept as memories. i din really hung out with guys. more to the girls but malik is always with us(me,fiza n aish). cos he was our grp leader. *grin* haha and so called our charlie and my part time bf. and my so called tiff with hafidz. im glad its over. dat im much more sensible now. life's too short for grudges. u noe. in short i love you guys. and im glad u guys were part of my growing up life. *smiles* i made alot of frens when im yr 3, basically becos im single again and it gave me the freedom to make frens. and then came along matin..arman..rush.. the main guys in my close that im in close contact with. oh.. n khairullah..helmi.. haha nice peeps.

ive alot more to say but i'll just keep in short till i have more time to blog.

and nasir. again. take care. issit safe to say i love you? haha u were a gd fren. and u r still one. despite watever sarcastic remarks or anything. i look up to u like ur one big bro. in a way lah.
dunno y. i respected u the way u are. *smiles*

2005-07-28T22:46:00.000+08:00

graduation day was fantastic. i miss every single of them. nasir. i gonna miss u. somehow.
just gonna pray for ur safety there ya and take care of urself. hah! cant wait for mon. *smiles*

hmmmm i've gt lots of things on mind. but somehow i forgot bout them... so how? lol

niway. i had this weird vague drm. i saw this guy. cant see his face. i noe he has black hair. lean. tall. fair. haha dat's all. but it felt gd hanging out with him. i cant remember hw he look like. very vague. maybe dat's y i woke up late today. hmmm...forgot to mention this to booba.

aishhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. heh.

everything else is weird. n beautiful. *winks*

Bad Day - Daniel Powter. (for booba n daph)

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and
you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and
you really don't mind
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

2005-07-24T22:57:00.000+08:00

today went well.

i enjoyed my day. okay. i kind of forgot i did today. it seemed so long.
had tuition. went to get my graduation tics(syukur alhamdulillah got. if not tmr i cant go to work) haha and den got back home. help with cleaning the room. slpt for awhile. helped abit in the kitchen. and den went jogging. folded my clothes. iron my clothes for tmr and voila. here i am. seems long rite? of cos there are lil things inbetween dat i did dat i dun think needed to be mention. heh

i feel fulfilled today. don't know y.

haha and my uncs n my aunts keep teasing me. with something that i obviously do not have. haha kept saying im always out with my bf, meet my bf lah, talk to on the fone wif my bf(where it had been only the girlies and my sis). and i kept saying dat i do not haf one and yet they persistently teass me non-stop. are they bugging me to get a bf? hmmm*thinking* haha watever it is. it's all good. all these are just jokes i guess. makes life more interseting and happening. heh. bluek.

life been good. i can only thank GOD. o well. smiles always k. muacks.

i wanna say thanks to blah blah blah...

2005-07-23T23:21:00.000+08:00

went for the rugger's bbq. it was a pleasure. thanks darlings, for making the effort. ya...
tho not all of u will read this entry of mine, there r a couple things that i think you all deserve to know. wat someone said is, dun miss the oppurtunity to tell the ones have hw much you care n love them...

to my dearest fellow team mates and juniors..

siti sabariah abdul rashid :

how good it was to c you again after so long BUN(ive decided to call u bun. go figure). awak lah yg teramat dirindui. it felt really good being there with you. being there on the field with u was always memorable. nvr failed to cheer up everybody's mood. and u've always been my backbone. i love you lots for that. and dun worry, im always here for you. no matter wat we went thru, ur still there n i will always b here till i die *smiles*. thank you for being such a dear. and of cos having you comes in two and there is adam chan arif. you both are just wonderful. *winks*

daphne lee wei ling:

haha, yesh darling. haha really remembered the first time you joined. ur a grt chilling partner and i love you lots for giving me a wiser advice given ur "experience" in life. ur one of my dears that i dun wanna lose and you know that. watever happens, u can count on me. and im glad to have you as my partner in the team. those memories i'll keep.

farahanah bte mohd noh:

the captain for my batch. always the crazy one. and of cos the fearful one when having her time of the mth. nevertheless, i admire ur tekun-ness in being the captain. whatever u haf done for the team was very much appreciated. haha memories i had with you on the field, be it during ivp, games and trg, up or down, it was something i will cherish. *smiles*

Nurherliza binte karim:

haha im not sure u will read this. but, yeah i love you lots babe. went thru lots of stuffs together when we were in first yr all the way till now. tho u stopped for a yr, u came back and i love u more for that cos i missed u terribly on the field. uve always been my journey hm partner and of cos consulting in each other with problems. cherished those moments and more to come. thks for introducing me to 4pm.

and my juniors...

Candy soh shia leng:

u noe the times i had with u was memorable. i missed that u. u were a grt junior and and a grt fren that came along when i was at the bottom of the pit. and i love you lots for just being there for me. i read my past entries and realised ur one of a kind. just stay happy always ya. i dunno but i believe deep dwn, i noe u well and hw u feel. am sorry for anything wrg i did and i hope things will be fine. u told me before, pretence wont do anything good.. it made me think til now. *smiles* take care of urself ya..

vicki er qian pei:

thnks for the lil note. i missed gg down for trgs. playing wif u n the rest. no worries ya. i was not hurt or offended in anyway. instead, i should thank you for watever happened. it encouraged me in alot of ways in life and i adore you for that. glad it happened. haha miss ur stupid whines. really i do. and of cos u were a fantastic junior. heh. haha love ya. shall try 2 come dwn for trgs. *smiles* *hugs* and oh. good luck ya ey captain!

jean, rina & chiew hong- aish,zak n siti:

you three are of a kind. haha i just wanna thank u guys for the beautiful collage and yeah the gifts. it was great having u guys under the sp wings. haha love u all lots. u guys noe u have a lot of potential in urself. so be the best ya!. muackssssssssss

nazhan the coach:

i cant deny the fact that u were and are the best coach ever. the girls are lucky to have you. and of cos i dun wish to see u leaving the team. insya allah i hope the girls will realise the value of a good coach and u brought the best out of us and me. thanks nazhan. P.S: i ask alot of questions because i noe only u haf the best ans and *ahem* i trust in u very much. hahah. thanks again naz.

watever i have said was from what i feel. to those names i didn mention was okay i don't think u'll read my blog. but if u do, leave a tag ya. haha n u'll receive a personal msg. watever it is. i enjoyed my 3 three yrs in poly the most was because of the touch rugby team. without you guys, i'll probably be dead. heh. thanks for everything. the wonderful food. and the hospitality and the collage. love u guys.

2005-07-23T12:16:00.000+08:00

first of all. thanks siti mariam for the tic. really. i enjoyed the concert very much. being my first concert. thanks darling. love ya!

work at the new place been good. got transferred to another company for 2 mths. its the usual stuff. autocad n architectural drwgs. i just have to bear it with few more mths and c wat i can do in the future. i really hope i have the strength to continue working. insya allah

graduation is next wk. so fast. hmmm gonna bring a camera! haha so yeah fotos up eh. insya allah

been really busy and tired. haha so today seems blissful to me. and oh ya. my sis birthday!
happy birthday mastura binte jumali!!

i don't have much to update u noe. there is nothing that i nd to express. haha syukur alhamdulillah. there is only ONE that's in my heart now.

oh. yah. i went Darul Arqs (haha stylo eh) with nora and zur and saw wyna n mimi. haha we signed up for this course to further sharpen our knowledge. it was good. furthermore it was in english. i like. i like wat i saw.

2005-07-20T00:35:00.000+08:00

all i wanna say is that, i saw the beautiful side of life today. :D

i din manage to catch incredible tales

2005-07-19T00:38:00.000+08:00

i have alot of things to say. just don't know where to start

things that i've left behind in search of my own life. too caught up in my new found beginning. no longer stuck in the mud. i want to explore. meet new ppl. but at the same time, i dun wanna lose my dear ones. im struggling here.

went out with dear daph today. it was always nice seeing her. and updating our lifes. and working life's not something worth doing without passion. n i dun want to do something that's only for my own good.

had a conversation with her. bout life. bout ppl. which all comes down to one, i hate the world. its full of lies and pain. she told me stories bout the kids that work at the banquet. how they live their life. true, i've no right to judge them in any way...hmmm eh im not judging. just observing, feeling the pain for them. not looking down on them, rather feel sad. they know what's right and what's wrong but still temptations win them over. the need to feel high and enjoy so that they can forget their pain in life. how sad. im not trying to be one or act holy. this is me. i think alot. i feel alot. and whenever i see them, my heart aches. true enuff wat daph said, we cant help everybody. but what if each n everyone of us instil goodness in ourself. that watever we say or do, we do it with lots of kindness, im sure that will touch any living soul. or maybe im too naive. i dun understand wat good do u get by being mean. by hurting other people's feeling. hmmm arh im disgressing here. back to the kids. i felt really overwhelmed listening to daph. i had to stop myself frm tearing. it's sad.i hope i can do something for the society. especially the teenagers. nowadays. late is better then never. if there are ppl hu shows that they care for them, again i believe they will b touched. goodness will prevail. cheh. i sound like some monk in some kungfu fighting show. heh. the fight between yin and yang. good and evil. light and darkness. o well

i firmly hold on to the belief of having faith.
have faith in yourself, whatever you do. and then have faith in others and GOD's creation.
when someone have faith in you, ull be nuts not to have faith in urself.
telling someone that you have faith in him or she means alot. it gives him or she the strength to continue and overcome whatever obstacles they are going thru.
faith nvr fail. *smiles*

ive learnt alot of things. thru 4pm. the people i hung out with. booba. conversations i had. n everything. it builds me up. ppl may say alot of things and this n that. but i'll only take what i think is right. ambil yg jernih, buang yg keruh.

i cant say im proud of who i am now. i dun wish to brag. i dun wish to be in the limelight. i don't wish to be anyone special. i can only say that, im thankful for everything.
o well. i duno wat i was trying to say. im tired.

everything happens for a reason.

im sorry if this entry offended you. sorry.

im quite intrigued by this guy. been reading his blog. his thinking, his personality. it captures me in a weird way. he loves arguing, for the fun of it. i like that too. o well. lets not think too much. i wld love to befriend him. friendship is all i ask for.

i hope matin is doing fine.

and booba, i din manage to catch IT. heh. next wk maybe.

new workplace tmr. hope there wont be any naggy boss ya.

p.s: my boss is nice. he's just very naggy and chatty. which i do not know how to respond to. all i did was just nod my head and smile. pretendish rite? i don;t like.

2005-07-14T22:28:00.000+08:00

anyway. this song is nice. reflects watever im feeling.
im not sad or angry or unhappy. no feelings. indifferent. but this song means alot eh. thanks booba. muacks. oh n thanks for the sensible conversations. heh. haha ur a grt shopping kaki too k. i'll wait. u noe for wat rite.

What You're Made Of

Just like I predicted,

we're at the point of no return

We can go backwards, and no corners have been turned

I can't control it, if I sink or if I swim

'Cause I chose the waters that I'm in

And it makes no difference who is right or wrong
I deserve much more than this'
Cause there's only one thing I want

If it's not what you're made of
You're not what I'm looking for
You were willing but unable to give me anymore
There's no way,You're changing,
Cause some things will just never be mine
You're not in love this time...but it's alright.

I hear you talking, but your words don't mean a thing

I doubt you ever put your heart in anything

It's not much to ask for, to get back what I put in

But I chose the waters that I'm in

And it makes no difference who is right or wrong

I deserve much more than this'

Cause there's only one thing I want

If it's not what you're made of

You're not what I'm looking for

You were willing but unable to give me anymore

There's no way,You're changing,

Cause some things will just never be mine

You're not in love this time...but it's alright.

What's your definition of the one?

What you really want him to become?

No matter what I sacrifice it's still never enough.

Just like I predicted

I will sink before I swim'

Cause these are the waters that I'm in

If it's not what you're made of

You're not what I'm looking for

You were willing, but unable to give me anymore

There's no way,You're changing,'

Cause some things will just never be mine

You're not in love this time.

You're not in love this time

booo

2005-07-14T22:06:00.000+08:00

okay. im back here. just for a moment

been working with fiza BOOBA!!! hahaha

yesh. its good having her around. really. less boring and sleepy. it gets very sleepy. staring at the screen, really!!! im so afraid of my head may just roll off. bleh

went out with her on wed. haha rushing all the way... but she managed to get her stuffs. so it was good. i like her necklace. haha
to think of it, a digicam will be nice eh? hmmmmm. not a necessity

anyway peeps, i wont be able to msg or call cos i REFUSE to pay my hp bill. haha yesh.maybe till the end of june or if i dun feel rebellious anymore. so anything just call or msg me ya

and gonna get transferred to another company next week. haha got OT pay so i dun mind working late. so yesh. last week of freedom. cos i wanna end extra money eh.

graduation day coming soon eh!! haha ermmm im in a dilemma. haha ermm. wil think carefully about it.

and tmr is the PLAY. yay. hmmmm cant wait. muahaha. i love plays now. thanks to MATIN shah. bah i miss him. bleh.

and nothing much to update u see. happy for daph. happy for fiza happy for everyone.

haha. sometime i wonder. wat gonna happen to me in the future. i wonder too much.
i can only leave it to fate and HIM.

arh!! haha cant wait........

2005-07-03T21:32:00.000+08:00

hmmm. we as a human being, we shld learn to be patient and not get work up so easily. we should learn to control our temper and not let it control us. and be rude to someone that's above you. and we should realise wat's our origin n our culture. and learn to control our mouth, our lips and tongue. control wat we gonna say cos everything single thing will b noted down. and the biggest sin comes from our mouth, so pls i beg you. i do not want u to bear unnecessary sins where u can control. we should learn not to get swayed by the world. dat after all, we gonna die one day, if not sooner, maybe later. but watever it is. we will be leaving everything that's given to us now. no point holding tight to it cos we cant bring it with us. so please. think twice before you speak or do anything. i sincerely, do not want u to suffer ltr on. it makes me cry thinking bt it. *smiles*.

feeling thankful

2005-06-28T22:10:00.000+08:00

been thinking alot. not bout problems or unnecessary stuffs. but more who i have in my life...
and wat i wanna do...

he hu wants to counsel, needs the counselling more..

i haf difficulties in expressing myself, but when i do express, its for real.

and at the moment, i cant help but feel thankful for e ppl i have in my life. like for eg, my aunt. am really thankful that i haf her in my life. she taught me lots of things. from religious advices to life experiences. i had my stubborn moments but im glad she was there. ever since my grandma and my late mum passed away. if there was anyone who contributed much, it was her. *smiles*
i just wanna say i love you alot cik sah.

o well. got to slp. i got a new job. heh.

2005-06-27T05:51:00.000+08:00

everyone made their mistakes and i had mine during the camp. i feel bad for it but like wat she said, everyone has to learn from it.

and r/s is like a black turmoil sucking you in, draining every energy of yours. it just leaves you lifeless. but insya allah girl, things will turn out fine. u'll see the light again ya. just bertawakal ya.*smiles*

2005-06-25T00:35:00.000+08:00

thank GOD for everything. for making my ever so dear frens's hearts biggerr....

i love you sab. i hope u noe dat. thanks for everything ya.

and of cos daphne...

and my so called new found frens. cos they arent new to me. haha mariam...nora..liyana..n the 4pm peeps. so ever full of zest and love. love you guys. its so ever cheery whenever i see dem.

and of cos the guys ya.. like khairullah, rush.. adam.. yang and more..

heh.

u noe, looks can be so ever deceiving. i dunno. i dun like to expect anything out of someone. but ya. let's be it.

i had a wonderful day. really.. my online chats.. the chilling.. haha a good day..

everyone has their time...be it now or later...

hopefully soon.insya allah. nvr noe wats planned for you in e future...

2005-06-23T00:33:00.000+08:00

went out with deary daph. haf not seen her for a couple of weeks. it was gd seeing her. new hair colour and everything. nt much changes. still lovable as ever rite babe?
and we met ann. it was gd. haha after dat saw fei n amber... like an unplanned touch rugby meeting. sat down and talked for awhile. it was good. haha

hmmm. something stupid happened to me. i guess i was damn tired dat i slpt in the train. haha and i got locked in the train cos i wasn aware that the train reached the destination all. so pai seh. =p

and everyday, i cant thank God enuff. for everything dat had happened.
smiles.

n yes mariam. i love you too. ur another god's gift to me. and dat includes nora too. *smiles*

and today went well. im still waiting...

The Blower's Daughter
by Damien Rice

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

2005-06-21T23:18:00.000+08:00

i just wanna thank GOD for everything. smiles

again.. everything happens for a reason.

2005-06-20T23:10:00.000+08:00

hmmm. i got back frm camp today, on my way to work thinking dat its either today or tmr i gonna tell my boss dat i wanna quit. i dun really enjoy doing it. and so i went to work, practically struggling to stay awake. lol to the extend of sitting on the toilet bowl to catch some slp. heh and den i msged my colleague that ive decided to leave cos he told me to tell him first b4 anyone else. after dat, abt half an hour ltr he got a news for me. he said tt today gonna b my last day. i was so thankful that i din haf to tell dem dat im nt interested in working for him anymore. and yeah. it just seems unbelievable. seems dat my prayers were answered immediately. and so im just gonna wait for my tmr's interview. another one is still pending. just hope things go smoothly.

there were things which i argued with my colleague, bt breaching of contract stuffs. i cld haf deleted e work i had done for dem for e past 3 weeks but it seems like he'll suffer if i delete the work. BUT i am not allowed to show others the work ive done. so wheres the justice? my boss is a very cunning n despicable man. i dun wish to be sad or angry bt it. i did my best n i just gonna leave everything to fate. i believe everything happens for a reason. blessing in disguise. *smiles*

and i missed the fun at 4PM!! haha o well. some other day mayb. a retreat peepz? i miss the camp. i miss the ppl. i miss waking up in the morning to c yam, nora, fiza, liza's face. haha i miss talking to dem. i miss washing the cups... it was a moment to treasure.

camp. great ppl. fabulous time. smiles.

2005-06-20T10:50:00.000+08:00

just got back from the camp. had a very good time. a first timer for the 4pm camp, so it was an eye opener. a bonding session with them. being in the committee allowed me to bond with dem better. it was good.

i had a great time. i mean SERIOUSLY(serious masuk ward ar). i got to know yam, liyana, khairul, nora, zur,syai, kak sa'adah, fizah & fiza and the rsp ppl n the other tutors even better cos seriously once a week, two hours of teaching the kids din gif me the chance to know them at all. it was a good experience despite the lack of slp. words cant say much. all i can do is cherish the time i had and it was great having ppl to click with. the time at the pantai punggol was memorable. the sabotaging was evil *grin* the campfire was fabulous, games were crazy and the food was fantastic. may not had a huge turnout, but the kids were good. and of cos liz n fairuz were great. *smiles*i like wat i saw and e experience i had during the camp.the spirit to do things together, the advices and opinions that were voiced out. i feel more encouraged to do the stuffs i wanna do before the time is up. make me think dat sometimes life is not ONLY about wanting the best for urself, more like wanting only wats GOOD for you. in life, there is no time to be greedy. u get wat u deserve. listening to them talk, about the things, how they perceive of life. their expectations in life. good to share. syukur alhamdulillah that i was given the chance to go thru such phase. to noe them. really, words cant say it all. i reflected alot during the camp. i was not there only to haf fun, but to allow doing good deeds seeded in me and let it grow. im fascinated by every single one in the camp, with their characteristics n personalities. you guys are fabulous. im not a perfect person, i haf my flaws and everything. n if i was harsh at certain times, pls do forgive me. im only a mere human n learning.

there is this hadis dat someone said at the closing of e camp: " an angel is blessed with brains with no desires, an animal is blessed with desires but no brains. and we humans are blessed with both desires and brains. if we use our brain more than our desires den we r of a higher "darjat" than of an angel, and if we follow our desires more than of our brains den we r lower den of animal" (ps: this is a direct translation of it. i din literally translate it to my own understanding ya) i read it somewhere before but it was gd dat it was brought up. syai shared it with us, and i wanna share it with the rest.

overall. everything happens for a reason. everything is nicely planned. u dun question but to accept n go with it. haf faith in HIM above. from there u learn better. *smiles*

2005-06-17T09:09:00.000+08:00

haha. k ive been not blogging bcos i've been too busy at work. haha its not something im proud of at all.

my aunt gave birth to a baby girl on 15th of june. syukur alhamdulillah. the baby girl is healthy and adorable. haha in total i haf 9 lil cousins and stll counting. *smiles*

haha o well shall stop here. i got camp ltr. cant wait.excited!!

o well

2005-06-08T06:42:00.000+08:00

haven been updating i think.
been busy with work. i guess. been gg work early, coming back home late. i can only do my best. smiles. and be thankful.

yesterday was liza's bday!! o well, it wont hurt wishing her here again rite. happy belated 21st bday dear.

been feeling better this few days. tiny lil stuffs wont bother me another. cos if there is anything or anyone i shld be thinking bt, it's only HIM. *smiles* been doing dat alot and it really menenangkan hati.

there s nothing much to update ar. haha boring ar. i can only be thankful everyday.

anyway i like this song. alot i guess...

Overjoyed - Stevie Wonder

Over time
I've been building my castle of love
Just for two
Though you never knew you were my reason

I've gone much too far
For you now to say
That I've got to throw
My castle away

Over dreams
I have picked out a perfect come true
Though you never knew it was of you I've been dreaming

The sandman has come
From too far away
For you to say
Come back some other day

And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed
Over loved
Over me

Over hearts
I have painfully turned every stone
Just to find
I had found what I've
searched to discover

I've come much too far
For me now to find
The love that I sought
Can never be mine

And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed
Over loved
Over me

And though the odds say improbable
What do they know
For in romance
All true love needs is a chance
And maybe with a chance you will find
You too like I
Overjoyed
Over loved
Over you

Over you...

boooooo

2005-06-06T11:11:00.000+08:00

had a great yesterday.

went for the camp meeting in the afternoon. it was good. the usual bunch! *grin*
haha i like..cant wait tho. anyway i cant make it for e next meeting. heh. so sad. but i'll be around!! haha camp camp camp...

after dat...i met sab, adam n jaz for dinner. yesh sab. i missed you alot yeah.
haha had dinner at newton. it was good seing them again. n of cos food was good. after dat we went to hereen and met some police ppl. isk, boy n lydia rite? haha i remember. i so wanna go bali eh!! soon lah...

gtg work now. shall update more soon yeah..

a good day

2005-06-05T00:54:00.000+08:00

been spending my time at ang mo kio courts, for once out with my frens i feel better.

my poly frens ya. haha
it was good. had dinner at newton!! haha been long since i last saw them. pictures gonna up i hope. AZHAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! upload pls ya.

work! it was stressful lah.. haha the pressure damn high. and the expectations.
im seriously worn out. n tired. so i just gonna slp early today.
i have a feeling there are more things to be done. like proposal. choosing of materials and all those kind stuffs. stress... *shakes head*

sian. i guess i missed the touch team freshmen orientation. damn. i was hoping i can go for this yr but o well. nt gd enuff to know there is i guess. *smiles*

anyway ive got camp meeting tmr and i cant blardy wait. lol. excited wat. and im gg to slp now. i've got lots to update. lots to say. but yesh. soon tmr morn ya. when everything is quite and peaceful. o well. exhausted eh...

the so wat issue?

2005-06-02T10:19:00.000+08:00

work was fast. i have a deadline today n yesh i still blogging. o well i just got to learn to cope with it.

i learnt the drwg within one day, aint i smart? heh heh heh. haha i noe self praise is no praise but wth. its not everyday i feel proud of myself.

and yesh. i had someone to help me look at my work yesterday. it was none other than mr.dino. haha very sweet of him. n yesh learnt t0 sketch in less den 10 mins? so thanks alot.

n i had a rough time yesterday. dun ask y or wat happen. haha sometimes i need ppl arnd me ar.

someone asked me, hw do you know when you truely loves someone. you noe,he caught me off guard. all i said was. its when you really care for a certain someone, you'll do anything for dat someone, having time for dat person n all this comes from the bottom of heart with willingness. and so, i hope i helped him in a way. haha cos his gf is a precious gem eh.

i will not think today. hmmm. actually. i will not bother.whether i'' think or not.

i miss the 4PM peepz. crazy bunch of ppl. they make me forget bt my other life. if der is any thing dat im thankful, is dat at least my life is not intertwined. my getaway. oh well, nt at the moment tho. fifi... my partner.

i wanna change n get ready for work! *smiles*

hmmm. thanks aish for this song. *grin*

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on
The sound turned down
And a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I
On the walls around me
The way that it was
And could've been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walking away.

I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong
Meant never losing your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough
To let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Would it help if I turned
The sad song on
"All by myself"
Would sure hit me hard
Now that your gone
Or maybe unfold
Some old yellow lost love letters
Its gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you
By hiding this way.

'Cause', I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong
Meant never losing your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough
To let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Well, I've never been the kind
To ever let my feelings show
I thought that being strong
Meant never losing your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough
To let go of my pain
To hell with this pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry...

boo hoo. i wanna love someone that much... or are these just fantasies? *ponders*

clownish yeah.yep yep. dats me.

2005-05-31T02:35:00.000+08:00

HEY!

im a happier person now.

reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

see??

oh just for the record. if someone can do this, so can i.
i will NEVER EVER forget the time on bus no. 12, on 11th of MAY, on wednesday at arnd 6+?? winks.n of cos the song, along joochiat rd? if this seems familiar den yesh. haha u noe it ar.. the word is never. my benchmark.

nothing can change that. my happiness is double of yours.

and i love you daphneeee.......

n siti sabariah abdul rashid...

and norhafizah binte azmi

n nur aishah binte ali

& liza.....

n nur rasyidi too...

n yesh adam chan arif too

oh i forgot david teo. lol

for being great frens. i love you guys very much. i cant hold back my feelings. dats for sure.

and oh yesh. the "O big one", thanks for everything. the advices. and im happy for u. every single thing dats happening. *SMILES*

today was a great day. back to work tmr.

someone mentioned this before. how a clown is like. happy on the inside, but no one knows how they feel inside. sometimes i feel like a clown. where i smiled too much to not show it. there were times where i was smiling practically to myself. way too wide that i guess i was trying too hard to surpress wat i actually felt. i ve nvr gotten over my mum. pretty sad eh? *smiles*
there were time i felt embarrassed, cos tears did roll dwn my cheeks when i was alone by myself in e train. anywhere, anytime. dats y i let my fringe cover my eyes. it gets useful at time. arh pathetic eh? dun even noe why im typing this down. suddenly i feel remorseful. haf to divert my thinking to something else. oh yeah. work is good. im lacking alot of stuffs in some way but at the same im getting the same kind of love from ppl arnd me. frm my aunts..my uncs n my frens...
eh i can be emo k. ask matin!! *smiles*

i feel like typing in purple. or maybe pink? pink is a happy colour? i need ur happy sweets(i mean gummies) daph!! lol. o well. i LOVE you GUYS. the only way to make myself feel better. maroon is good. or is this brown?? practising my colour combination. not turning out well tho. anyway. i used to think that, if i like a guy, the least i can do is to tell him. nvr hold back ur feelings. ive got nth to lose anyway. so yeah. i did dat a couple of times, ended up in a r/s. things didn turn out well and yeah. still frens but nvr close. eh anyway dey were not close frens to begin with. it was nice when someone did reciprocate. but i wasnt serious abt it. the frenship. or anything. i din give a damn if something bad gonna happen.( i was nvr into frens with guys thingy). i was always ready to take the risk. nvr the one to back down. cos, u c, i live life once. o well dats wat i tot so.i mean yesh u do live life once. wat i meant is.there is no more such thing as taking a risk for the fun of it. cos ur a gd fren 2 begin wif. i've totally lost the meaning of "risk". im nt myself. i think? for the sake of not losing you. i guess this gt to be right. it seems so right but feels so wrong. haha im inspired by my dear fren, mark chen, to type this down. im proud of you. *winks* but anyway. i love you all the same.very much dat all i want is 4 u to be happy. *smiles* i rather haf a few great frens to a single bf. i learnt that the hard way. *winks* i trust myself. always learn from mistakes eh.

and. im ALWAYS here. for anyone out there n to my dear frens. always here. its a promise. *winks*

2005-05-30T00:32:00.000+08:00

okay.

am not sure wat ive been feeling but yep

been avoiding internal feelings.

by making myself busy with work, work n more work!

yep. interior designing but more on the kitchen side.

its making me excited. *grin* but im trying not to be

too overexcited over it. so yesh.

ive got a colleague.

a guy, 3 yrs older den me

and he is like a big brother to me.

teaching me stuffs. introducing me new things.

so yah. cool. i like him. he's nice n crappy.

and apparently hes in a r/s of 4 yrs.

another great r/s.

love of my life...arhhh soothes my heart when i heard him say dat of his gf

haha remembered the time i said dat before.

fiza n aish teased me like mad.

dat's history boy...

like i said, im making myself real busy.

sometimes things are best not said.

i rather not gain something n lose something at the same time.

hmmm weird rite? but dat's how it goes

i finished Digital Fortress!!!

late bloomer but yeah it was good *smiles*

am looking for Deception Point.

i find it very thrilling. haha c talking about it makes my heart beats faster.

and another good author that i was recommended was Tom Holt.

a good book to read for laughs. yep.

i saw mr Tan Boon Thor!

*grin*

he's cool. waved at me and we talked crapped. hw's life and all dat.

yep yep. tmr's first day of skool eh?

provided me with advices.

you know. i can go along with this lifestyle.

i think.

maybe a lil too tad early to say but hey its cool.

no guys to impress.( so aish, ur wish will NOT come true until maybe in few yrs?)

no heartbreaks

cool/nice colleagues

i get to stress myself

own time own target

i can wake up late.

anyhoo, its all up to me whether i wanna be happy everyday or not

anything can be shitty if i let it be. and not if i dun want it to be

so i gonna just enjoy lah..

and the teh peng at the coffeeshop nearby damn good.

i like. thick n sweet. n cold

haha yesh. got polar puff too!!!!!!

and a bookstore n library too.

and the play that i watched. siti bestari.

it was good. tho matin was not arnd to acc me, his fren did a gd job.

he's nice. he has his other sides. smiles

overall.

im not being honest with myself.

but who cares as long everyone is happy

or at least i tried.

heh

i chose not to think about it.

i chose not toooooo...............

yesh.

and im trying nt to think abt it

and im trying to adapt to the new me.

and no

im not thinking bt it.

*winks*

lol

i love you...

2005-05-28T08:29:00.000+08:00

these few days, waking up in the morning is like having an open wound on my heart. everything dat's fresh and disturbing and dat's not suppose to be feeling, its there. just like an open wound, exposed n vulnerable. very un-settling. feels the pain. and i'll spend the whole day cleaning up the wound. with maybe a lil bit of antiseptic(self denial), cotton wool(ignorance) and maybe some iodine(frens) n of cos gauze n bandage(smiles n cheerfulness) to finally dress e wound up. and then i'll go to slp. mind you, i haven been able to slp peacefully. been tossing arnd. wonder why. or i'll wake up in the middle of the night n den cant go back to slp. n if i do get back to slp, i'l drm of something that i don't think abt(ignorance n self denial when im conscious) n i'll wake up with the same open wound again. gauze n e bandage all ripped off. apparently i have alot of issues to settle but i just leave it hanging, hoping it'll go away. but i noe it wont. so i gonna start doing abit now before i go to work.

sabariah abdul rashid, i noe this may not mean anything but i have this urgency to tell you. i love you very much. very much. n u'll always be part of me.

and in life. you may not get what you want. and we tend to forget that the ones that we really need is just right in front of us. and we go searching, wondering why aren we happy. you get wat i mean right. this is just a reminder for myself.

and have you felt or tried to feel so happy for someone else that it actually tears you? or how other ppl's love is rather overwhelming that it leaves you breatheless. i've had that moments. alot of it actually.from my frens who are in a r/s.or my married uncs n aunts or my fren's parent's marriages. seen their ups n downs. and when its at the UP moment, everything seems so wonderful and cheery and just full of bliss and love that everything seems alrite but when its down, it hurts like hell. but then again, the UP moments weighs more compared to the down moments so that's why there are still ppl in r/s. and when my mind do wonder why ppl are in r/s despite the pain, i dun haf to look far. i have frens like aish, fiza, sab, ro to prove the point... love heals everything.

in the process of blogging, i've actually did some self healing which is good cos i cant go to work with heavy baggage ya. and meeting aish in the morn will be great. i miss her lots. hah.

you sacrifice alot, hoping to make the other party happy. even when it means you not getting wat you want. and when the sacrifice is alot, of cos it means alot right? just trying to point that out. i do things because i care not bcos its fun.

& daphne, my dear. just be happy okay.

and i've found a job. it may not be a real dream job. but i found one. more on designing. and its every day 12-9 pm. so im nt gonna have a life cos i hope this is for real.

2005-05-26T12:42:00.000+08:00

am surfing the net. looking at stuffs. for opinions. saw a quote from a girl. how true.

"You think about that person more than you think about yourself. You can't imagine your life without that person. You would give anything to be with that person. You sacrifice most things in your life to be with that person. You want to be with that person every second of the day...and when you aren't with that person, you can't help but imagine how happy they make you when you ARE with them. --a gURL user"

"Love...a big word attached to some big feelings! When you're in love you feel butterflies...you want to be a better person...love makes you a better person! You feel so alive, so excited for what each day will bring. You want to be with the person, and it's not just physical, it's emotional, spiritual and even more. --a gURL user"

its nice. knowing dat ur frens din change, in personality wise n how i love her the way she is. maybe she looks even more drop dead gorgeous now but deep down she's still the same softie. a sweetheart. her bf is damn lucky. and yep this is for farah abdul aziz.
and there are some changes where they starts to do things they nvr did. kinda sad tho.
but changes are good too. some ppl changed for the better. which is good. m happy for you.
but i doubt mine did me any better. losing my loved ones makes me stone cold. dat im oblivious to lots of stuffs cos not knowing it or being ignorant somehow ease ur mind. arh. dat's wat i think.

and apparently, this gurl fren of mine. she loves her bf without a care bt anything. anything in the world. her feeling is so deep. something im nt sure bt myself. so much in love ya. *smiles*
well, love is a permanent smile, only when its good...

my last post.

2005-05-25T11:17:00.000+08:00

i believe you talking things out with me shows how impt i am to you. or mayb WAS.

i have a problem that i need to attend to real fast or i'll die alone (nt dat it matters)

c above, that's my problem. i dun believe in getting close to ppl. or i have problem opening up.

with this problem, im even thinkin of deleting this blog.

arh. u noe wat. there is nothing dat i can do. i've tried reading bt frenship/relationship. read more abt it. trying to find anything dat i can do to make it better.

i avoid getting into arguments, conflicts and in the end i hurt ppl. and den i'll hurt myself.

arh. i need to change.

and im trying to find out wat's my problem. so just give me time ya? im sorry.

2005-05-23T00:23:00.000+08:00

heh

norhafizah binte azmi, i miss you too!!! congrats darling for passing ur tp. i also can foresee the future of you fetching me all the way from punggol to our upcoming outings. *winks*

and yesh nuraishah binte ali ( i was so cracking my head wat's ur father name, lol but i got it right) i miss you just as much. soon. muacks

anyhoo. went kite flying with my f.a.m.i.l.y! aint dat great? yeah i just had to spell that out. dun ask y. nth significant. yep yep. but it was all good. *foolish grin* hahah had a fun time looking at them trying to fly the kite. yep. i was just helping arnd holding the kite and babysit the kids.
oh my auntssss came over punggol so yeah. with the lil kids arnd.

after that, am vcd marathon-ing with my sis. actually not really. i was watching kabhi kushi kabhi gham. 3 discs, 3 hrs so yep seems like i've watched lots of movies. but it was good. watched it umpteen times and it nvr failed to make me cry. hrithik hoshan is damn macho ar but shah rukh khan damn sweetttt. am suppose to be watching lil nicky but taking the time off .

i was told that someone's mom's passed away last thurs. i felt the loss. i was there. losing someone is never easy. never was...

and someone told me an acquaintance of his died. and i guess he's just a few years older. again, reminds me how short life is. sigh. argh.

*ahem* 3 more damn days. arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

indulge...

2005-05-22T16:52:00.000+08:00

i've been indulging in secret little tots in my mind. just those tiny little ones that makes me grin from ear to ear. those beautiful ones. arhhh... i cant help but smile. makes me feel all warmed up.

i've had moments when i don't care about anything. that all i wanna do is give. like quoted from someone's blog "~~altruistic~~ : adj showing unselfish concern for the welfare of others"
that i dun care whether the feeling is reciprocated or not, i just want to feel. its how stupid i can be. but yeah. i'll get over it.

and so yesh. im trying to comfort myself here. that its not wrong. *smiles* and i dun care how frustrating it is to be like this. heh heh heh.

anyway i just got back from my tuition thingy. met their parents. it was easy. i managed to get my message across. you know, i just wonder how easy parents let go of their responsibilities to teachers. and they think that its adequate for the kids to spend their time in skool and then not bother bout their own kids when they got home from school. the parents just let them be and not show abit of concern. im saying this is in general. been reading the papers bout how kids turned wild because of lack attention from parents. Parents will sure ask, have you done your homework or revised but not much action taken. This make the students/kids very lazy to study cos they are too pampered. very. Like one of my fren said, she rather teach a kid who is not very academically inclined to a kid who is very lazy and stubborn. I find this issue very disturbing. How to break away from this pattern of parenting? or maybe its just the way it is. sigh, i have parents complaining kids talking back, them rather playing soccer or watching tv and den when it comes to doing work they go all draggy. what's the problem? hmmm o well.
sad eh. i know its not easy to be a parent, i cant say much for myself too. who knows, in the future? i'll probably understand better.

o well, i got to go to my aunt hse 6th floor above!!! *smiles*

anyway just a song...quotes of it
another way to express myself eh...

I bruise easily -- Natasha Bedingfield

I found you fingerprints on a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them
all over this heart of mine too
But if i never take this leap of faith
I'll never know
So im learning to fall
with no safety net to cushion the blow

Anyone who can touch you
can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
can love you or leave you

cheerioz....

2005-05-21T19:41:00.000+08:00

k im here again. i just went blog hopping. figured that i missed out on alot of things. where have i been? in my own world i guess. this is what i hate bt alot of things. i dunno. arh.

wonders. will i ever change?

too easily contented.

okay. i dunno. sigh

2005-05-21T19:05:00.000+08:00

when i don't feel like blogging, i don't blog for weeks. and now that i've started blogging, i keep on blogging every hour. lol. my unc just fixed the comp and my sis is studying. so yep, i rule the comp now. *evil grin* heh heh heh. kk. dat's crappy.

i was just doing a lil of cleaning up. my book shelf. i have a lot of books that i tho i never had. i think partly because they were brought home by my sis from my Joo Chiat house. but it's all good cos like i said i wanna read the books again for better understanding. brainwash!!!

and i also did look thru my photos and my junks. see which one i need to get rid of and which to keep. but i realised i cldn't get rid of any cos the first place they are there is because they meant alot to me. and yeah. while looking thru, i noticed i have alot of things that i held on dear to. that i kept secretly, things that i tot i threw away. made me realised alot of things. o well i like it the way it is now.

arh. things will get better. i have faith.

A return to love...

2005-05-21T10:46:00.000+08:00

i saw this qoute at 4PM and found it rather meaningful. been meaning to post it up here but my net was damn irritating lah but im here so yeah

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate:
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn serve the world.
There is nothing enlighthened about shrinking so that other people
wont feel insecure around you. We were born to
magnify the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.

-Maranne Williamson

so i shall not despise myself or hate anything bout myself. not that i do. *grin*

and yeah. funny how i tell myself stuffs. how i comfort myself.

delusion.

funny how i felt when i read thru my previous entries, i forgot what i meant or said. it seems to be in code. lol. i express myself in blog but not bluntly. and now im cracking my brain what happened then or who was it or wat. ironic.

i think i have to agree with sab totally that im a very non-verbal person. i don't say much right?
so yeah, its expressed unknowingly. argh o well.

am suppose to go the Pulau Besar with lion red peepz but i cant lah. i've got alot of things to settle so yeah.

im back?

2005-05-20T00:43:00.000+08:00

i haven been blogging for long. bcos of the net prob and every time i clicked on publish my post, it went crazy. so pardon me ya.

ALOT of things happened for the past few weeks. had my ups and downs but most importantly im definitely HAPPY now. as in really happy. i dunno. im quite settled with my decision. to just follow my heart. that i want nothing back in return but to just give. and of cos feel. not think.
i dun really care whether i gonna get hurt or not cos in the end no matter wat decision i make, i'll definitely get hurt. like i said in my previous posts, hurt wont hurt if you don't think about it. mind over matter. so yep. heart. i got tired of thinking logically. another thing that is making me happy is that, my craves for chocolate is not that bad now. i've gt to control my intake of chocos. *grin* im glad. ive got cravings for other things instead.

and my work at TTSH was nt dat good. i had ppl bringing me down, telling me to go on diet or watever crap which i don't understand why. thank god i've ppl telling me im fine just the way i am so im just gonna let it pass and not get bothered abt it. but my conversations with Dr Yap was good. there is just something manly about him. the way he is in control but yet vulnerable. hmmmm...

trainings... hmmm. i dont have much comment. i just hope things will get better. im only human. i cant accustom myself to every single human. so be it.

i went out with a fren of mine from the interior design side. we met up cos he's gg NS soon and he wants to see me so yep. anyway we had our meal and then talked for awhile. and then his fren came along. and that fren of his is an NS boy, still serving last few months of his ns. and so we talked abt future, plans, women( i was rather open minded towards dat part of conversation cos i had to agree there r truths in it) and money. yep. his fren was rather matured and i've got to say cool. tho he's very mat-ish. but hey he's doing rather fine, having a business of his own. and he's 23. and his advices and qns made me think twice abt everything. he knows better cos he's at a stage where he wont b serving NS anymore soon and he gt to plan ahead. so sharing his insight was rather good for me i guess. i've learnt dat i need to plan at least 10 yrs ahead, got to know what i wanna do and its driving me crazy now. heh.

hmm. and i went pass my old hse at haig road. it was good. had memories there that i will NEVER forget. i wanna buy back my old hse can?

wat else.have been really a gd girl. ive been reading up on alot of things. brainwashing myself. lol
nak seribu daya, tak nak seribu dalih. how true.

and i MISS you. yes you. mr coconut. i miss the kelapa too. o well. soon ya

o ya. 4PM. haha been enjoying my trip there. i kind of got used to the environment there. great ppl, nice kids(minus the restless-ness & the naughtiness) and the camp meetings all that just made me bond with them more. it's all good. i like it there. i think. the only minus point is the transport money. damn killer. but o well, all for good cause.

and oh farah, kite rindu awak lah. bila awak nak dtg trg!??!!?!? lol.

nothing can bring me down except myself. *smiles* nothing can make me happy except myself too.

2005-04-28T22:54:00.000+08:00

i've realised that

taking in is a huge pleasure

but

it cant be compared to the feeling of giving.

Giving itself is a gift. i shall abide by that rule. but not too much tho.

and been really hectic these few days. was not given the chance to blog. *smiles*

and i had an absolutely wonderful week. million thanks to those special ppl in my life.

and you guys are special to me in every way. just that im not good at expressing it, be it with words or actions.

sometimes, for regconition, ppl will do lots of stupid stuffs. i just hope i wont be like that.

and im very pleased with myself these few days. dun ask me why. *grin*

oh i gonna start working next week!! back at my old work place. arh dr yapppppppppppp. muahaha *drools* hahaha k my ears r turning red.

2005-04-22T12:09:00.000+08:00

I almost got drunk at school, at fourteen
Where I almost made out with the Homecoming Queen
Who almost went on to be Miss Texas
But lost to a slut, with much bigger breast-es
I almost dropped out to move to LA
Where I was almost famous for almost a day

And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost loved you
I almost wished you would've loved me too

I almost held up a grocery store
Where I almost did five years and then seven more
Cause I almost got popped for a fight with a thug
Cause he almost made off with a bunch of the drugs
That I almost got hooked on cause you ran away
And I wish I would've had the nerve to ask you to stay

And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost had you
And I didn't even know it

You kept me guessin' and now I'm destined
To spend my time missing you
I almost wish you would've loved me too
Here I go, thinking 'bout all the things I could've done
I'm gonna need a forklift, cause all the baggage weighs a ton(baggage weighs a ton)
I know we've had our problems, I can't remember one

I almost forgot to say something else
And if I can't fit it in, I'll keep it all to myself
I almost wrote a song about you today
But I tore it all up and then I threw it away

And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost had you
And I didn't even know it

You kept me guessin' and now I'm destined
To spend my time missing you
And I almost had you (almost had you)
Almost had you
I almost wish you would've loved me too

2005-04-20T12:31:00.000+08:00

on mon, i had the best day ever. thanks to those who made it special for me. it wasnt the presie or the meal but having you guys there made it special. it was unexpected. i was shocked but most of all i feel blessed. for having them in my life. i love you guys alot. really i do. you noe who you are. thanks for making it special for me. *smiles*

and mr nur rasyidi and mr tan wan yang, thanks for the delicious dinner n the card.u guys are sweet n definitely the best. muacks.

sab n daph, again i just wanna say im lucky to have you guys in my life. *smiles*

and the rest too. haha you guys noe who you are riteeee..

and i had trg yest!. it was good to play touch again. i mean with the angels. but was rather disappointed with the number of juniors dat came. 5? n the rest was just seniors. hmm o well.

2005-04-18T10:08:00.000+08:00

i finally turned 20! the big-0. and more to come. haha not really looking forward to but im here so there!

haha thanks darlingsssssss for all the presies. love them alot. u guys noe who u are.
thanks candy for the lil gift. it was memorable.
and matin. yeah. thanks, ur one sweet guy.

and i received more than 10 bday smses. that really made my day. the mms from my auntie. it was a pleasure. i felt loved. and every single one dat contributed to it. i dun need celebrations. just gestures to show U remembered will be enough. *smiles*

and the wonderful birthday song. it was touching and sweet. thanks. u know who you are. *hugs*

above all. the rugby sevens rawks! haha n i enjoyed my volunteered work. made new friends. it was good. the atmosphere. the ppl. the enthusiasm. the passionate guy. the runners. and of cos the FOOD!!!! o well. i think the days i've tried to lose weight was rather futile. it was just nice with my company siti sabariah abdul rashid, she just encouraged me to eat more. haha. muacks. sayang sab. thanks my dear for being there. and daphne. thanks darl.

and i so find the rugby guys HOT. like scorching hot. haha especially mr. ellison. phewwww. i think i drmt bt him. my kind of guy. o well. all i can say is that he's super hot. *smiles* the next guy on my list eh sab.

2005-04-15T03:05:00.000+08:00

okay. i really cannot slp. the thing is slpt pretty early like 10+, but i woke up at 12 and den i cant go back to slp after that.

anyway today's the official last day of skool. and i haf officially graduated from sp with a diploma. *grin*. yep. i passed. everything i believe. collected back all my work for this year. was pretty heavy. and i attracted unwanted attentions. issit really my looks? do i really look foreign? cos i always get these qns like are you a singaporean? or are you from singapore? hmmm. wonder wonder.

and i had a grt time chilling with my classmates. just sat at fc5 and chatted till 7plus. had to go cos someone forgot that his fam is celebrating his chinese birthday today. o well. but im glad i know them in my life. im gonna miss them. the bond we had is just not easy to come by. we have open conversations where it was pretty much deep. it was just nice hearing from each other's side of stories. stories told by them. how interesting to hear their point of view and experiences. how well we connected and of cos their jokes. like one had to think out loud that all those pornstars are definitely not virgins <--- like duh?! or like one's computer making weird noises like eeyork and mices squeak?

wonder

2005-04-13T14:15:00.000+08:00

ive been thinking lately. okay not really. but yeah. haha

bout how someone can influence you without you knowing the effect the person has on you.

it can either be in a good or bad way. but its just weird. i do things that i don't think i wld have done previously. not gonna quote any examples tho. but i must admit that it has a good effect on me. and im thankful for that.

i need job. but a flexible one tho. hmmm. suntec eh. haha yesh daph. u've got a date with me on mon. who knows the lady luck may just wanna smile on us on that day itself. *smiles*

im changing my blog layout. again. soon. im getting sick of this layout. soon soon.

i enjoy those moment where i just smile to myself thinking of sweet memories. of anything nice n funny. the spangels, my little cousins, my nice conversations, the babes, my classmates, my fam and yah the touch game itself.

cant wait for the trg next week.

oh anyway the grad party was a riot. more like the post party thingy. dem getting thrown into the pool. heh.

and my net's been down these few days. its the rain. definitely. haha i just hate the connections.

and my sis bought a new webcam. muaahahaha. okay. erh ya. but if u miss me, msn me ya. =p

and i cant wait for rugby sevens itself.

losing someone

2005-04-08T02:33:00.000+08:00

im back to where i was before. months ago, before my mom paased away.

the fear of losing someone.

i don't want that to happen. and i cant bear to go thru that moment again. its too painful.

now that im free. im gonna take care of my father well. im scared. hes not doing well.

i don't want him in the hospital. nope. not again.

why do we?

2005-04-03T16:38:00.000+08:00

just something i saw somewhere. why?

Why Do We

Why do we do the things
we know will hurt others
is it because of the lust inside us
or is it the long for the touch of another

why do we say the things
we know will haunt our minds
is it because we believe it's right
or is it the voice within that hides

why do we make these decisions
that we know are mistakes
is it because we believe we'll learn
or is it the drive to make a break

why do we regret what we do
when they once made us smile
is it the fact it now causes you pain because it's gone
or is it knowing you only had it for awhile

and why do we ask ourselves why
when we know no one will answer
is it because it's our only way to forget
or is it the knowing you'll never know...

hmm. ya. why?

why do we want something that
we know we wont be happy with
and why do we reject
the ones that we'll be happy with?

issit becos we'r too scared
to make that commitment
or are we just afraid
of getting hurt again?

or maybe we just dont want
to lose someone that wonderful...
that exist in our life
maybe...

2005-04-02T21:18:00.000+08:00

i feel like keeping myself low profile. nothing extra ordinary happened or something worth mentioning.

suddenly everything else and anything else doesn seem to matter.
i don't know what it means but somehow, i don't know. had my ups and downs during this time of week. been thinking alot. about friends. crudeness. family. my late mom. my future. my current state of mind is in a mess. i am there but not there. heh

been giving myself the space. i need to plan out what to do. i cant just go with the flow. its making me feel uncomfortable. tho i may not follow THE plan, i still need something to guide me thru.

im not thinking of anyone. hmmm. nope. nt at all. well maybe my late mum. quaker oats. i used to cook that for her everyday. to make her eat. cos she din like to eat anything else. how i tried adding varieties to it to make it taste nicer. and ya. i was rather emotional when i was back at my joo chiat's hse. the time i spent there with just my family. my dad, my late mum, my sis n my bro. just us. how nice it was. o well. memories. i miss her. 6 mths eh. e first year in my life she's nt gonna wish me happy birthday. e first ever that she's not around to watch me grow a yr older.

and ya. i went for the briefing today. im gonna be just sitting up there and record the game. how wonderful. i think it's to be cool.

sometimes i just feel like screaming my heads off. just throw a huge tantrum. sigh. why?

i feel like strangling someone. wont mention names tho. just ya, i think you deserve a tight slap. urgh. bloody irritating. still the same as ever. forever thinking highly of ownself and thinking he/she can get away with everything. no matter how good a squirrel is at jumping, there will be one day it will fall onto the ground. just a thought. my late grandma fav phrase. in malay of course *smiles*

hey, another chapter bout me eh. dun bother reading.

2005-03-28T00:38:00.000+08:00

you know what, i don't know what my sis was thinking bout when she switched off the light and she's not even in the room.heh

went to ikea on sat with my family. shopping i guess. my uncle bought for me this raspberry scented tea light candles. sweet. and then went to east coast lagoon to have dinner. shiok. really. haha good food again. 3 days consecutively. cos i had satay and again good food today. tell me again why wont i get fat? cos im definitely looking at fatsuh in the mirror. my loved ones just keeps on feeding me.

i had alot of issues that i thought about on my way from punggol to queenstown. damn it was really a long journey. firstly there is this "illnes" that my dad has. neurofibromatosis. birth disorder. and its hereditary. and sadly there isnt any treatment for it. its a miracle that im able to enter poly or even study. its just sad and worrying. makes my future rather bleak.

and so we were at the ikea. walking arnd, looking at stuffs. and then i saw this girl. the moment she saw my dad, she went running to her mum. avoiding my dad at all cost as tho he's has a deadly disease. i was so hurt. i felt like slapping the girl's face. that's my dad that she was reacting to. and he's a human with feelings with complete body features. so he definitely didn deserve that. and the most irritating part was that, the mother was protecting the kid like a mother hen. i mean, wth? my dad is not a monster lah. and the fact that its hereditary, means i have 50% chances of getting it. the bump in my face is rather worrying and so what if it happens to me in the future? what? are you guys going to abandon me? or will be jobless? be the butt of joke? apparently i tink my bro haf NF1 sypmtoms. the pigments and difficulties in studying. and it can affect nerve systems which includes the brain. i think i haf enough of cubaan that's being put on us. but then again, mayb there will be a blessing in diguise. i suspect that my dad's frequent complains of back pain and tummy pain has got to do with neurofibromatosis. im worried. i guess, being with me comes with a heavy responsibilities. i rather be an andatu. o well. bless those who were born perfect. i think this plays a part in the anger that's building within me. like why my dad and my late mum? when they are already less perfect? who i am to question God's will. but to accept whatever fate we were given and to learn from it. i think its time i really shld go for a check up and im going tmr. pray hard for me ya.

arh. this thing been bugging me for days.

on a happier note. i've grinned too much today till my jaws ache. thanks.
i don't want to think abt unnecessary stuffs. im strong wat. just that at times, i nd to let it out. heh.

2005-03-26T01:09:00.000+08:00

hmmmm. its weird. when all you can think about is that particular person. just how good you felt when you r near that person or just talking to that person. i've tried so hard to make myself stop thinking bt that particular person, but it keeps coming back. i don't know. i don't want to get involved in emotional turmoils. but when i said i really cant stop thinking, i really mean it. how?

and no matter how busy you are, you will always make time for your loved ones. if you love that person, its nvr too much to take sometime off, even a few secs to express it. if you think you are too busy for it, then your heart wasn there is the first place. i think.

and im gonna make myself stop thinking bout you tmr. period. i cant stand the agony.

today was a day full of testing my limits.

testing my will power, my mental and physical strngth. haha it was damn tiring.

i had great fod thanks to sabariah abdul rashid and her family. really. superb. every single thing.

and the grt company too. love the day. muacks.

2005-03-25T00:12:00.000+08:00

i tink i rather distanced myself away from ppl. i think i need the time break. from everything. just dedicate it to myself. been rather "busy" this week. think i'll start gg out next week. hmmm?

had the interview today. it was okay i think . i dun wanna say much. i think 5 years bond is abit too much. 5 bloody years? im a rather impatient person, i think. i don't know. i have alot of things to consider. REALLY alot. and make it fickle minded. im still gonna apply for paramedic or ers.

it's funny how someone can be your close fren and yet not talk for a couple of weeks?
really i do miss those times. exams period? busy with projects. im too free lah maybe. soon. i hope it'll be over soon cos i cant wait for that 3 bloody weeks to end. argh really, waiting for this week to be over is already torturous. trainingssssssss...

i try my best not to be judgemental. hmm. sometimes i pity myself, cos i have to painstakingly read blogs to update myself on my fren's life. that's how pathetic ive gotten. that i din make time or bother talking to them. make an effort suh. yep yep.

ive this hereditary thingy problem. hmm it made me think alot ar. bout my future. commitments. o well. to assume, ease our mind. its kinda true rite fiza?

and im afraid to look forward. arh. eh i wanna be low profile. heh.

2005-03-23T21:23:00.000+08:00

ive decided to scrap that interior architecture degree shit. erm. or mayb not. it depends in future.

went out with fiza and aish to town. my darls. heh. had fun ar. especially shopping for the bag part. haha o well. some ppl got bf wat. *rolls eyes* haha

and den went with sab and steff for the SIA talk. wah, the stewardess damn chio. haha really. frigging chio, well groomed. sia did a grt job in grooming them. haha but being a an air stewardess is definitely not easy. am not interested. im bound for more meaningful things. lol. but to be an air stewardess is definitely a well rewarded job. if u do get selected dat's it.

and then had dinner with sab. and ya.

i wanna keep it simple. i dun wanna reveal too much. i hate guys checking girls out. from head to toe. really i do. it freaks me out. i haf a perfect example in my class (ex). gross.

and ya. interview with NIE tmr. heh. lots of luck ya?

and i had csw interview today. haha. i tot it went well lah. but i dunno. u can nvr know with a lecturer like mine. hmmm.

2005-03-22T01:07:00.000+08:00

its starting to sink in. that i wont be seeing my classmates again after 7 april.

i've been in denial all the time.

remember the first i had lunch at fc 1, remember seeing nasir. n i swore i tot he was chinese. with his flowery shirt and his specs. well until he opened his mouth. bt him can passing off as a chinese and eat during fasting mths. heh

and then i remember the time where i saw fiza, with her tudung during the orientation time. and then i wasnt really into malay clan, pardon me. haha. but yeah. all was good. and the time in the studio. the bala thingy. it was just memorable. and now w5a is just gonna be part of my history.
and aishah! her time with me on the field. and the factory work. heh. i just love these two babes very much. and arh lunch will nvr be the same again. bleh. o well.

2005-03-21T16:14:00.000+08:00

okiez. what a day. lucky you called me. to reconfirm.

its just a small matter eh?

and i can be whoever i want to be without feeling guilty.

wouldnt it be nice.

2005-03-20T17:55:00.000+08:00

been slacking at home the whole.

just feel lazy to get out of the house. cancelled whatever plans i had cos i don't feel like going out.
my concenssion for this mth is over. and i don't wan 2 burden my unc with more money problems at the moment. think he's having a hard time. im just scared to ask. so just gonna bear with it at the moment.

am looking for brushes. nice ones tho. wanna experiment with the photoshop. cool ar.

was just thinking. how weird things are. heh. i think its best just not to let it out. best to put it aside. and not think about it.

my room is clean and neat. *beams* haha yep. i like it this way.

and now i haf the time to enjoy my comic ya. naruto. shiok. lol and the book. yes vic, i haven finish reading it.

i've said before i wan to go to the beach and just sit down and relax. and enjoy the breeze. any takers? heh

tues is my presentation day, im dreading that day. really.

o well. i've not much comments about life, bout ppl. don't feel like getting bothered about it.

oh my mandarin class. did i say anything about it? it was good. i've learnt how to say duoshao qian correctly. the beijing way. *rolls eyes* but ya. learnt all the different tones. its quite true tho bout what the teacher said. about singaporean's mandarin. no offence ar. the pronounciation is very different. and the classmates are good. i guess. i hope it'll get better.

hmm, its weird you know, when u least expect it to happen and it happens, it just leaves you dumbfounded and delighted. i've had alot of weird incidents. think im too caught in my own world, that when something out of blue happens, it just shock me.

before my last submission, i had tons of work to be done and now it feels rather weird. i have nth to do now. no work. zilch. yep. and its making me feel lost. all i do now is just stone and stone and stone. bored. i dun even feel like shopping or playing touch or my appetite is not there. the good food at railway or the chocolates or the snicker jam cant even tempt me to eat. aimless. it seems to be happening to my bro too. he's aimless. don't want to eat. dun want to do anything. wassup?

probably a good shower will make me feel better. and continue with the blog thingy.

Beach Boys
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

zoned out.

2005-03-19T20:16:00.000+08:00

heh heh heh

im a master of manipulation. to manipulate myself that's it. to change my way of thinking abt certain guys.

eh sometimes guys can really drive me mad. dun ask y. i haf my reasons.

and im certainly not in lurpe. yes sab. not at all.

and im super bored. cos i dont haf work to do. i've yet to plan my days.

friday night is out of qn, well til oct. and sun morn. tuition. you know i plan to go for blacks trg cos i cant go for lionred's trg. can i?

arh im super sad. cos im out of skool. heh.

2005-03-19T00:45:00.000+08:00

hmmm. had a series of bad things happenening to me today. lucky day ya.

and im super tired. very.

in the midst of this dragginess. i cant help but wonder. wat's up with guys? one moment they'll flirt wif u like nobody business and one moment they are talking bt nt being able to commit or cant forget their ex ar. wat shit.

and today is my last day of skool. i was pretty upset bt it. i mean. no more coming to a noisy class. no more arguing with malik n nasir. oh btw sab, malik cut his hair already and he looks pretty good. and i'll miss the class,, the smell of it. lunching together. its just miss-able. i dunno. im depressed.

2005-03-18T00:00:00.000+08:00

okay here i am at sab's place. yep. her place. the plan was to go fiza's hse but yah change of plan since i dun wanna touch my work no more and yah. so there you go.

i am confused. really. with my feelings. anyway submission is tmr! and the feeling is rather overwhelming. its like officially ending skool. and i feel sad cos i cldn spend more time with the angels. and my classmates cos i was too busy doing my project. sad lah but wat to do. life has to move on rite?

can i be heartless and not feel for anyone?
can i be cold hearted?
i wonder how it feels to be in that position.
must haf had gone thru tremendous hurtful experiences that you grow numb to feelings and emotions. like what's new?

fiza & aish, i gonna miss you guys alot. really. love ya very much.

and HAPPY 20th birthday norhafizah bte azmi! i got it right ?? muackss

a song for everyone. heh

Human Behaviour - Bjork

if you ever get close to a human
and human behaviour
be ready to get confused

there's definitely no logic
to human behaviour
but yet so irresistible

there's no map
to human behaviour

they're terribly moody
then all of a sudden turn happy
but, oh, to get involved in the exchange
of human emotions is ever so satisfying

and there is no map
and a compass
wouldn't help at all

human behaviour

2005-03-16T18:10:00.000+08:00

i dunno hw many times i want to wish you but just before it turns midnight,

happy 19th birthday candy soh shia leng. :)

i feel purplish today. heh my mind is not with me, hmm more like im numb. stoned.

*chants* i must not slp*chants* heh

arh tido. k ciaoz. back 2 my work.

2005-03-14T14:09:00.000+08:00

today is mon, fri is my submission.

hmmmmm my weekends left me feeling weird.

first it was saturday. the day itself was weird. whatever happened there and then left me feeling rather shocked. it was just a tiny gesture. but it felt natural. but it shocked me real bad. urgh left me feeling weird.

and den came sunday. had tuition-ing but i was late. damn. i haven gotten use to that system yet. and den had a "long" talk with liza on bus. it was nice. bout our future. what we gonna do. and then i went to work. it was at this chapel. it was all beautiful. the roses. the settings. the atmosphere. the photos of the bride & groom. it was just pretty, the feeling of sharing their big day. tho im not related. but it was nice. love is in the air ya. and somehow that stir something in me.

and dun worry daph, i made new friends. haha they were funny lah. shall fill you in more. i look like an indian or a blackie chinese girl. wth. and apparently i look like 17 yrs old girl *grin* awwww i look so young. heh heh heh

i really adore guys with abit of botakness and those with goatee sia. dey r just hot. i cnt help it lah. thinking of them makes my heart melt. and i haf a fren who exactly fit that bill. o well. but im nt into him. he's just nice to look at.

2005-03-13T00:55:00.000+08:00

the play was good. the actresses was convincing that i thoought i had a crush on one of them. acting as a butch/lesbian. it was funny. it was enjoyable. im tired. i need a rest. full day tmr ya.

2005-03-12T07:43:00.000+08:00

i dun understand.

why do i have to tolerate your tantrums?

why must you argue with me?

why must you bring chester in the picture?

why cant you stay away from the comp just for 5 more days?

why must you grumble?

do you know that, there were so many times i held back my tears.

cos i cldn't get any co-operation from you.

that i will end up with nothing if i don't get any support?

that i felt downright helpless?

that i'm having a difficult time trying to juggle everything?

just all because you need to chat with your friends oversea who you just made friends with?

just because you failed to understand my situations?

just because you don't understand i have other commitments?

and because of that, i am going to fail my work?

and do you know that i cried when i was told that cik sah drmt of our late mum?

and that she told me that it must be because we've been bad. been doing stuffs that she wldnt approve of. it seems true enough. that our late mum had to appear in our aunt's drm to send a message across. cos all you want to do is show me your black face and unhappiness. how bout mine? do i have to tolerate yours just because my submissin is here? do i have to go and seek it from someone else and not from you?

please, i beg you. just let me use the comp for 5 more days. i wont give a phuck about this comp after my submission cos i have a LIFE.

i don't really know how im gonna cope. i need miracle. its really different now.

2005-03-11T03:02:00.000+08:00

arh. taking a break. im really really tired. more grueling days to come. and oh shit i forgot abt this sat. naz said got game. hmmmrppppp. how?

hmmm im confused. abt alot of stuffs. bt my feelings. hmmmmmmmm. wat do i want?
problem with me is that, i get tired of things easily. thus don't make me wait for too long. its of no surprise, dat i lost interest. yah lah. im mean. i just feel guilty. but another problem is that, it keeps re-occuring. commitment-phobia. just toying with the idea but nvr really get close enough to commit. cos i back off whenever something happens. wonder wassup with "joey". prolly i got tired of giving.
i nd someone special. i prolly noe hu the person is. but same problem as mine. too many other commitments. afraid to commit. hah. k im crapping. the after effect of coffee. too high.

im bored lah. dun feel like doing work anymore. i wanna take a break.

2005-03-11T01:15:00.000+08:00

I'll Stand By You
by Girls Aloud

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even if you’re wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when…
When the night falls on you baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

to my dearies. yesh. you. *nods*

im weird. duno y.

2005-03-10T22:44:00.000+08:00

arh. i want micro zen i wan micro zen i wan micro zen. boo hoo hoo. aish got it and im so jealous. nafsu nafsu nafsu. hahaha arh tido. im jealous. and i armed myself with a jug of coffee. haha hope can stay awake till tmr morn. heh.

thoughts thoughts.

2005-03-10T10:07:00.000+08:00

hmmm. im trying to do my work. practically alone in the class that i just feel like going home any momemnt. or mayb slack at fiza's hse. just a tot. yah ah. can still slack ar. arh but. no one arnd!!! shld haf just stayed at home. hmmrp. i cld haf slp more. im so lethargic. tues-trg, wed-netball n today trg again!! arh duno lah. over exhausting myself.

was looking at this First Degree issue, saw the scholarships that they provided. Seems to cater more for those with A-level certs. and i think im fickle minded. after reading what they said,im confuse with what i want. and after some talk i had with my fren it seems worthless to pursue an interior architecture degree. i mean, if i am to take the course, i will be just paying for the degree. i have interest in designing. yes only that. i want to do something that have no constraints. i wanna be free. but sadly. singapore system sucks.time is money. rite amb?

anyway was doing my work and i happened to be reading rina's blog. then the cute wizard came out. haha i tot it was from the program that im using and it was demanding $1000. like wth? haha question mark, den i realised orh must be rina's blog. lol. so cute. heh

had netball tournie yest. sadly we lost. but it was a grt game. i had nvr played netball before in my entire life. i learnt there and then. it was fun. it i ever thought of switching interest, netball will be next on the list. *rolls eyes* haha rite. but ya. it was fun. and den i rushed to PS. bloody hell. the bloody phucking bus was damn long ar. frigging hell. made me pissed. and i missed daph's cutting her cake. pffft!!! and i read daph's blog and i almost teared reading her blog. haha emo emo. daph, ur super special to me okay. im so sorry cldnt be there on time.

sitting here alone, listening to my lecturer made me realise how much things ive got to do and its scaring the hell out of me. arh. i've got a date with my lecturer tmr afternoon. maybe i shld think twice bout that recce. hmmm

you know i've realised that. that there were times where i may be just sitting beside you, laughing my heads off and joking with you but deep down i realised that i don't even know the real you. hmm i feel rather distant. its like when i read the blogs entries, i just feel like im an just an acquaintance. i feel lost reading them. i so much want to know you better. heh. this you can anyone. im not referring to a certain person or what. i just feel that there are alot of masks. or maybe its just me ar? din make an effort to know better.or mayb ppl are reserving their rights. privacy? but den y blog? hmmm. just a thought. am i right or wrong? i sound so mdm zainon. heh

2005-03-09T10:41:00.000+08:00

happy birthday daphne. *smiles* muacks.

y am i feeling downright low? issit bcos of the nearing submission deadline?

i feel rather inadequate.i need some time to myself, to evaluate wat's happening to me. but then again i think im just thinking too much. o well, everytime i starts to feel low, i just tot of the stuffs that makes me whole-r. at least i starts to feel better. i haf to erase all those negative thoughts. yep yep yep.

2005-03-08T23:03:00.000+08:00

y do we always hurt those that we care for most? without realising it?

i love cows print. thanks dear. muacks. appreciate it alot.

self pity is self condemn.

hmmm. pretentious. contradictions. arh i want to slp already. slping always makes me feel better.

2005-03-05T16:18:00.000+08:00

haha 5th march. wonder y it seems so significant.

took a short nap, think suffering from heat stroke. my eyes are red. me having a block nose. damn sian.

had a weird drm again. drm of sab and some ppl again, i think i drmt i blew up,and den i cried. n den i was inside this building. the scene always seems familiar. got Burger King, got lots of escalator, den got alot of colourful lights.den got this mad guy keep chasing after me and i was carrying this little girl( i saw her in the lrt and she din like my face cos she just kept on crying till her dad change her position). the mad man was chasing after the girl actually. arh tido. dunno y lah. running too much from problems maybe.

i tink ar. sp angels r super slack compared to club level. no impact when we r running. no effort. mayb what nazhan said its true ar. we r just plain lazy and yet we wanted to win. wat's history is history.

i feel better after venting it out here. so dont think much of my entries rite.

im stuck inbetween reality and dream/fantasy. keep mixing them up.

2005-03-05T07:17:00.000+08:00

i really have to stop dreaming abt you. i have to kill those "hopes". i've got to really get out of the pithole. its just too tiring. too draining. too diff to do so. cos it wasnt a fair sittuation. cos weren given the chance.cos it'll always be you. nuff said. it'll stop here.

i dun tink you were treated right. or deserves such treatment.i've only got myself to blame.too fickle-minded. should start appreciating you. okay. after my submission. *wink*

hah i feel bad for making you go just like that.

u'll be seeing less of me day by day. time flies too fast. too many things to do with so little time left. bah. my weekends are packed. and my weekdays, i think i haf to forgo the trg. i dunno. wat say you?

2005-03-04T14:04:00.000+08:00

i raelly like this pic. i remembered i lost my bro's ez link card here. heh. but yah. haha.

2005-03-04T14:03:00.000+08:00

RSN tournie. haha nice pic. i cant seem to stay away from blogging. its e only thing dat keeps me in touch with civilisation.lol

2005-03-03T12:59:00.000+08:00

i guess this will be the last i blog. muaha okay mayb except certain special occasion lah.