clownish yeah.yep yep. dats me.
HEY!im a happier person now.
reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
see??
oh just for the record. if someone can do this, so can i.
i will NEVER EVER forget the time on bus no. 12, on 11th of MAY, on wednesday at arnd 6+?? winks.n of cos the song, along joochiat rd? if this seems familiar den yesh. haha u noe it ar.. the word is never. my benchmark.
nothing can change that. my happiness is double of yours.
and i love you daphneeee.......
n siti sabariah abdul rashid...
and norhafizah binte azmi
n nur aishah binte ali
& liza.....
n nur rasyidi too...
n yesh adam chan arif too
oh i forgot david teo. lol
for being great frens. i love you guys very much. i cant hold back my feelings. dats for sure.
and oh yesh. the "O big one", thanks for everything. the advices. and im happy for u. every single thing dats happening. *SMILES*
today was a great day. back to work tmr.
someone mentioned this before. how a clown is like. happy on the inside, but no one knows how they feel inside. sometimes i feel like a clown. where i smiled too much to not show it. there were times where i was smiling practically to myself. way too wide that i guess i was trying too hard to surpress wat i actually felt. i ve nvr gotten over my mum. pretty sad eh? *smiles*
there were time i felt embarrassed, cos tears did roll dwn my cheeks when i was alone by myself in e train. anywhere, anytime. dats y i let my fringe cover my eyes. it gets useful at time. arh pathetic eh? dun even noe why im typing this down. suddenly i feel remorseful. haf to divert my thinking to something else. oh yeah. work is good. im lacking alot of stuffs in some way but at the same im getting the same kind of love from ppl arnd me. frm my aunts..my uncs n my frens...
eh i can be emo k. ask matin!! *smiles*
i feel like typing in purple. or maybe pink? pink is a happy colour? i need ur happy sweets(i mean gummies) daph!! lol. o well. i LOVE you GUYS. the only way to make myself feel better. maroon is good. or is this brown?? practising my colour combination. not turning out well tho. anyway. i used to think that, if i like a guy, the least i can do is to tell him. nvr hold back ur feelings. ive got nth to lose anyway. so yeah. i did dat a couple of times, ended up in a r/s. things didn turn out well and yeah. still frens but nvr close. eh anyway dey were not close frens to begin with. it was nice when someone did reciprocate. but i wasnt serious abt it. the frenship. or anything. i din give a damn if something bad gonna happen.( i was nvr into frens with guys thingy). i was always ready to take the risk. nvr the one to back down. cos, u c, i live life once. o well dats wat i tot so.i mean yesh u do live life once. wat i meant is.there is no more such thing as taking a risk for the fun of it. cos ur a gd fren 2 begin wif. i've totally lost the meaning of "risk". im nt myself. i think? for the sake of not losing you. i guess this gt to be right. it seems so right but feels so wrong. haha im inspired by my dear fren, mark chen, to type this down. im proud of you. *winks* but anyway. i love you all the same.very much dat all i want is 4 u to be happy. *smiles* i rather haf a few great frens to a single bf. i learnt that the hard way. *winks* i trust myself. always learn from mistakes eh.
and. im ALWAYS here. for anyone out there n to my dear frens. always here. its a promise. *winks*
Monday, May 30, 2005
okay.
am not sure wat ive been feeling but yep
been avoiding internal feelings.
by making myself busy with work, work n more work!
yep. interior designing but more on the kitchen side.
its making me excited. *grin* but im trying not to be
too overexcited over it. so yesh.
ive got a colleague.
a guy, 3 yrs older den me
and he is like a big brother to me.
teaching me stuffs. introducing me new things.
so yah. cool. i like him. he's nice n crappy.
and apparently hes in a r/s of 4 yrs.
another great r/s.
love of my life...arhhh soothes my heart when i heard him say dat of his gf
haha remembered the time i said dat before.
fiza n aish teased me like mad.
dat's history boy...
like i said, im making myself real busy.
sometimes things are best not said.
i rather not gain something n lose something at the same time.
hmmm weird rite? but dat's how it goes
i finished Digital Fortress!!!
late bloomer but yeah it was good *smiles*
am looking for Deception Point.
i find it very thrilling. haha c talking about it makes my heart beats faster.
and another good author that i was recommended was Tom Holt.
a good book to read for laughs. yep.
i saw mr Tan Boon Thor!
*grin*
he's cool. waved at me and we talked crapped. hw's life and all dat.
yep yep. tmr's first day of skool eh?
provided me with advices.
you know. i can go along with this lifestyle.
i think.
maybe a lil too tad early to say but hey its cool.
no guys to impress.( so aish, ur wish will NOT come true until maybe in few yrs?)
no heartbreaks
cool/nice colleagues
i get to stress myself
own time own target
i can wake up late.
anyhoo, its all up to me whether i wanna be happy everyday or not
anything can be shitty if i let it be. and not if i dun want it to be
so i gonna just enjoy lah..
and the teh peng at the coffeeshop nearby damn good.
i like. thick n sweet. n cold
haha yesh. got polar puff too!!!!!!
and a bookstore n library too.
and the play that i watched. siti bestari.
it was good. tho matin was not arnd to acc me, his fren did a gd job.
he's nice. he has his other sides. smiles
overall.
im not being honest with myself.
but who cares as long everyone is happy
or at least i tried.
heh
i chose not to think about it.
i chose not toooooo...............
yesh.
and im trying nt to think abt it
and im trying to adapt to the new me.
and no
im not thinking bt it.
*winks*
NO
lol
i love you...
Saturday, May 28, 2005
these few days, waking up in the morning is like having an open wound on my heart. everything dat's fresh and disturbing and dat's not suppose to be feeling, its there. just like an open wound, exposed n vulnerable. very un-settling. feels the pain. and i'll spend the whole day cleaning up the wound. with maybe a lil bit of antiseptic(self denial), cotton wool(ignorance) and maybe some iodine(frens) n of cos gauze n bandage(smiles n cheerfulness) to finally dress e wound up. and then i'll go to slp. mind you, i haven been able to slp peacefully. been tossing arnd. wonder why. or i'll wake up in the middle of the night n den cant go back to slp. n if i do get back to slp, i'l drm of something that i don't think abt(ignorance n self denial when im conscious) n i'll wake up with the same open wound again. gauze n e bandage all ripped off. apparently i have alot of issues to settle but i just leave it hanging, hoping it'll go away. but i noe it wont. so i gonna start doing abit now before i go to work.
sabariah abdul rashid, i noe this may not mean anything but i have this urgency to tell you. i love you very much. very much. n u'll always be part of me.
and in life. you may not get what you want. and we tend to forget that the ones that we really need is just right in front of us. and we go searching, wondering why aren we happy. you get wat i mean right. this is just a reminder for myself.
and have you felt or tried to feel so happy for someone else that it actually tears you? or how other ppl's love is rather overwhelming that it leaves you breatheless. i've had that moments. alot of it actually.from my frens who are in a r/s.or my married uncs n aunts or my fren's parent's marriages. seen their ups n downs. and when its at the UP moment, everything seems so wonderful and cheery and just full of bliss and love that everything seems alrite but when its down, it hurts like hell. but then again, the UP moments weighs more compared to the down moments so that's why there are still ppl in r/s. and when my mind do wonder why ppl are in r/s despite the pain, i dun haf to look far. i have frens like aish, fiza, sab, ro to prove the point... love heals everything.
in the process of blogging, i've actually did some self healing which is good cos i cant go to work with heavy baggage ya. and meeting aish in the morn will be great. i miss her lots. hah.
you sacrifice alot, hoping to make the other party happy. even when it means you not getting wat you want. and when the sacrifice is alot, of cos it means alot right? just trying to point that out. i do things because i care not bcos its fun.
& daphne, my dear. just be happy okay.
and i've found a job. it may not be a real dream job. but i found one. more on designing. and its every day 12-9 pm. so im nt gonna have a life cos i hope this is for real.
sabariah abdul rashid, i noe this may not mean anything but i have this urgency to tell you. i love you very much. very much. n u'll always be part of me.
and in life. you may not get what you want. and we tend to forget that the ones that we really need is just right in front of us. and we go searching, wondering why aren we happy. you get wat i mean right. this is just a reminder for myself.
and have you felt or tried to feel so happy for someone else that it actually tears you? or how other ppl's love is rather overwhelming that it leaves you breatheless. i've had that moments. alot of it actually.from my frens who are in a r/s.or my married uncs n aunts or my fren's parent's marriages. seen their ups n downs. and when its at the UP moment, everything seems so wonderful and cheery and just full of bliss and love that everything seems alrite but when its down, it hurts like hell. but then again, the UP moments weighs more compared to the down moments so that's why there are still ppl in r/s. and when my mind do wonder why ppl are in r/s despite the pain, i dun haf to look far. i have frens like aish, fiza, sab, ro to prove the point... love heals everything.
in the process of blogging, i've actually did some self healing which is good cos i cant go to work with heavy baggage ya. and meeting aish in the morn will be great. i miss her lots. hah.
you sacrifice alot, hoping to make the other party happy. even when it means you not getting wat you want. and when the sacrifice is alot, of cos it means alot right? just trying to point that out. i do things because i care not bcos its fun.
& daphne, my dear. just be happy okay.
and i've found a job. it may not be a real dream job. but i found one. more on designing. and its every day 12-9 pm. so im nt gonna have a life cos i hope this is for real.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
am surfing the net. looking at stuffs. for opinions. saw a quote from a girl. how true.
"You think about that person more than you think about yourself. You can't imagine your life without that person. You would give anything to be with that person. You sacrifice most things in your life to be with that person. You want to be with that person every second of the day...and when you aren't with that person, you can't help but imagine how happy they make you when you ARE with them. --a gURL user"
"Love...a big word attached to some big feelings! When you're in love you feel butterflies...you want to be a better person...love makes you a better person! You feel so alive, so excited for what each day will bring. You want to be with the person, and it's not just physical, it's emotional, spiritual and even more. --a gURL user"
its nice. knowing dat ur frens din change, in personality wise n how i love her the way she is. maybe she looks even more drop dead gorgeous now but deep down she's still the same softie. a sweetheart. her bf is damn lucky. and yep this is for farah abdul aziz.
and there are some changes where they starts to do things they nvr did. kinda sad tho.
but changes are good too. some ppl changed for the better. which is good. m happy for you.
but i doubt mine did me any better. losing my loved ones makes me stone cold. dat im oblivious to lots of stuffs cos not knowing it or being ignorant somehow ease ur mind. arh. dat's wat i think.
and apparently, this gurl fren of mine. she loves her bf without a care bt anything. anything in the world. her feeling is so deep. something im nt sure bt myself. so much in love ya. *smiles*
well, love is a permanent smile, only when its good...
i have a problem that i need to attend to real fast or i'll die alone (nt dat it matters)
c above, that's my problem. i dun believe in getting close to ppl. or i have problem opening up.
with this problem, im even thinkin of deleting this blog.
arh. u noe wat. there is nothing dat i can do. i've tried reading bt frenship/relationship. read more abt it. trying to find anything dat i can do to make it better.
i avoid getting into arguments, conflicts and in the end i hurt ppl. and den i'll hurt myself.
arh. i need to change.
and im trying to find out wat's my problem. so just give me time ya? im sorry.
"You think about that person more than you think about yourself. You can't imagine your life without that person. You would give anything to be with that person. You sacrifice most things in your life to be with that person. You want to be with that person every second of the day...and when you aren't with that person, you can't help but imagine how happy they make you when you ARE with them. --a gURL user"
"Love...a big word attached to some big feelings! When you're in love you feel butterflies...you want to be a better person...love makes you a better person! You feel so alive, so excited for what each day will bring. You want to be with the person, and it's not just physical, it's emotional, spiritual and even more. --a gURL user"
its nice. knowing dat ur frens din change, in personality wise n how i love her the way she is. maybe she looks even more drop dead gorgeous now but deep down she's still the same softie. a sweetheart. her bf is damn lucky. and yep this is for farah abdul aziz.
and there are some changes where they starts to do things they nvr did. kinda sad tho.
but changes are good too. some ppl changed for the better. which is good. m happy for you.
but i doubt mine did me any better. losing my loved ones makes me stone cold. dat im oblivious to lots of stuffs cos not knowing it or being ignorant somehow ease ur mind. arh. dat's wat i think.
and apparently, this gurl fren of mine. she loves her bf without a care bt anything. anything in the world. her feeling is so deep. something im nt sure bt myself. so much in love ya. *smiles*
well, love is a permanent smile, only when its good...
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
my last post.
i believe you talking things out with me shows how impt i am to you. or mayb WAS.i have a problem that i need to attend to real fast or i'll die alone (nt dat it matters)
c above, that's my problem. i dun believe in getting close to ppl. or i have problem opening up.
with this problem, im even thinkin of deleting this blog.
arh. u noe wat. there is nothing dat i can do. i've tried reading bt frenship/relationship. read more abt it. trying to find anything dat i can do to make it better.
i avoid getting into arguments, conflicts and in the end i hurt ppl. and den i'll hurt myself.
arh. i need to change.
and im trying to find out wat's my problem. so just give me time ya? im sorry.
Monday, May 23, 2005
heh
norhafizah binte azmi, i miss you too!!! congrats darling for passing ur tp. i also can foresee the future of you fetching me all the way from punggol to our upcoming outings. *winks*
and yesh nuraishah binte ali ( i was so cracking my head wat's ur father name, lol but i got it right) i miss you just as much. soon. muacks
anyhoo. went kite flying with my f.a.m.i.l.y! aint dat great? yeah i just had to spell that out. dun ask y. nth significant. yep yep. but it was all good. *foolish grin* hahah had a fun time looking at them trying to fly the kite. yep. i was just helping arnd holding the kite and babysit the kids.
oh my auntssss came over punggol so yeah. with the lil kids arnd.
after that, am vcd marathon-ing with my sis. actually not really. i was watching kabhi kushi kabhi gham. 3 discs, 3 hrs so yep seems like i've watched lots of movies. but it was good. watched it umpteen times and it nvr failed to make me cry. hrithik hoshan is damn macho ar but shah rukh khan damn sweetttt. am suppose to be watching lil nicky but taking the time off .
i was told that someone's mom's passed away last thurs. i felt the loss. i was there. losing someone is never easy. never was...
and someone told me an acquaintance of his died. and i guess he's just a few years older. again, reminds me how short life is. sigh. argh.
*ahem* 3 more damn days. arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i've had moments when i don't care about anything. that all i wanna do is give. like quoted from someone's blog "~~altruistic~~ : adj showing unselfish concern for the welfare of others"
that i dun care whether the feeling is reciprocated or not, i just want to feel. its how stupid i can be. but yeah. i'll get over it.
and so yesh. im trying to comfort myself here. that its not wrong. *smiles* and i dun care how frustrating it is to be like this. heh heh heh.
anyway i just got back from my tuition thingy. met their parents. it was easy. i managed to get my message across. you know, i just wonder how easy parents let go of their responsibilities to teachers. and they think that its adequate for the kids to spend their time in skool and then not bother bout their own kids when they got home from school. the parents just let them be and not show abit of concern. im saying this is in general. been reading the papers bout how kids turned wild because of lack attention from parents. Parents will sure ask, have you done your homework or revised but not much action taken. This make the students/kids very lazy to study cos they are too pampered. very. Like one of my fren said, she rather teach a kid who is not very academically inclined to a kid who is very lazy and stubborn. I find this issue very disturbing. How to break away from this pattern of parenting? or maybe its just the way it is. sigh, i have parents complaining kids talking back, them rather playing soccer or watching tv and den when it comes to doing work they go all draggy. what's the problem? hmmm o well.
sad eh. i know its not easy to be a parent, i cant say much for myself too. who knows, in the future? i'll probably understand better.
o well, i got to go to my aunt hse 6th floor above!!! *smiles*
anyway just a song...quotes of it
another way to express myself eh...
I bruise easily -- Natasha Bedingfield
I found you fingerprints on a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them
all over this heart of mine too
But if i never take this leap of faith
I'll never know
So im learning to fall
with no safety net to cushion the blow
Anyone who can touch you
can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
can love you or leave you
cheerioz....
norhafizah binte azmi, i miss you too!!! congrats darling for passing ur tp. i also can foresee the future of you fetching me all the way from punggol to our upcoming outings. *winks*
and yesh nuraishah binte ali ( i was so cracking my head wat's ur father name, lol but i got it right) i miss you just as much. soon. muacks
anyhoo. went kite flying with my f.a.m.i.l.y! aint dat great? yeah i just had to spell that out. dun ask y. nth significant. yep yep. but it was all good. *foolish grin* hahah had a fun time looking at them trying to fly the kite. yep. i was just helping arnd holding the kite and babysit the kids.
oh my auntssss came over punggol so yeah. with the lil kids arnd.
after that, am vcd marathon-ing with my sis. actually not really. i was watching kabhi kushi kabhi gham. 3 discs, 3 hrs so yep seems like i've watched lots of movies. but it was good. watched it umpteen times and it nvr failed to make me cry. hrithik hoshan is damn macho ar but shah rukh khan damn sweetttt. am suppose to be watching lil nicky but taking the time off .
i was told that someone's mom's passed away last thurs. i felt the loss. i was there. losing someone is never easy. never was...
and someone told me an acquaintance of his died. and i guess he's just a few years older. again, reminds me how short life is. sigh. argh.
*ahem* 3 more damn days. arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
indulge...
i've been indulging in secret little tots in my mind. just those tiny little ones that makes me grin from ear to ear. those beautiful ones. arhhh... i cant help but smile. makes me feel all warmed up.i've had moments when i don't care about anything. that all i wanna do is give. like quoted from someone's blog "~~altruistic~~ : adj showing unselfish concern for the welfare of others"
that i dun care whether the feeling is reciprocated or not, i just want to feel. its how stupid i can be. but yeah. i'll get over it.
and so yesh. im trying to comfort myself here. that its not wrong. *smiles* and i dun care how frustrating it is to be like this. heh heh heh.
anyway i just got back from my tuition thingy. met their parents. it was easy. i managed to get my message across. you know, i just wonder how easy parents let go of their responsibilities to teachers. and they think that its adequate for the kids to spend their time in skool and then not bother bout their own kids when they got home from school. the parents just let them be and not show abit of concern. im saying this is in general. been reading the papers bout how kids turned wild because of lack attention from parents. Parents will sure ask, have you done your homework or revised but not much action taken. This make the students/kids very lazy to study cos they are too pampered. very. Like one of my fren said, she rather teach a kid who is not very academically inclined to a kid who is very lazy and stubborn. I find this issue very disturbing. How to break away from this pattern of parenting? or maybe its just the way it is. sigh, i have parents complaining kids talking back, them rather playing soccer or watching tv and den when it comes to doing work they go all draggy. what's the problem? hmmm o well.
sad eh. i know its not easy to be a parent, i cant say much for myself too. who knows, in the future? i'll probably understand better.
o well, i got to go to my aunt hse 6th floor above!!! *smiles*
anyway just a song...quotes of it
another way to express myself eh...
I bruise easily -- Natasha Bedingfield
I found you fingerprints on a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them
all over this heart of mine too
But if i never take this leap of faith
I'll never know
So im learning to fall
with no safety net to cushion the blow
Anyone who can touch you
can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
can love you or leave you
cheerioz....
Saturday, May 21, 2005
k im here again. i just went blog hopping. figured that i missed out on alot of things. where have i been? in my own world i guess. this is what i hate bt alot of things. i dunno. arh.
wonders. will i ever change?
too easily contented.
okay. i dunno. sigh
wonders. will i ever change?
too easily contented.
okay. i dunno. sigh
when i don't feel like blogging, i don't blog for weeks. and now that i've started blogging, i keep on blogging every hour. lol. my unc just fixed the comp and my sis is studying. so yep, i rule the comp now. *evil grin* heh heh heh. kk. dat's crappy.
i was just doing a lil of cleaning up. my book shelf. i have a lot of books that i tho i never had. i think partly because they were brought home by my sis from my Joo Chiat house. but it's all good cos like i said i wanna read the books again for better understanding. brainwash!!!
and i also did look thru my photos and my junks. see which one i need to get rid of and which to keep. but i realised i cldn't get rid of any cos the first place they are there is because they meant alot to me. and yeah. while looking thru, i noticed i have alot of things that i held on dear to. that i kept secretly, things that i tot i threw away. made me realised alot of things. o well i like it the way it is now.
arh. things will get better. i have faith.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate:
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn serve the world.
There is nothing enlighthened about shrinking so that other people
wont feel insecure around you. We were born to
magnify the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.
-Maranne Williamson
so i shall not despise myself or hate anything bout myself. not that i do. *grin*
and yeah. funny how i tell myself stuffs. how i comfort myself.
delusion.
funny how i felt when i read thru my previous entries, i forgot what i meant or said. it seems to be in code. lol. i express myself in blog but not bluntly. and now im cracking my brain what happened then or who was it or wat. ironic.
i think i have to agree with sab totally that im a very non-verbal person. i don't say much right?
so yeah, its expressed unknowingly. argh o well.
am suppose to go the Pulau Besar with lion red peepz but i cant lah. i've got alot of things to settle so yeah.
ALOT of things happened for the past few weeks. had my ups and downs but most importantly im definitely HAPPY now. as in really happy. i dunno. im quite settled with my decision. to just follow my heart. that i want nothing back in return but to just give. and of cos feel. not think.
i dun really care whether i gonna get hurt or not cos in the end no matter wat decision i make, i'll definitely get hurt. like i said in my previous posts, hurt wont hurt if you don't think about it. mind over matter. so yep. heart. i got tired of thinking logically. another thing that is making me happy is that, my craves for chocolate is not that bad now. i've gt to control my intake of chocos. *grin* im glad. ive got cravings for other things instead.
and my work at TTSH was nt dat good. i had ppl bringing me down, telling me to go on diet or watever crap which i don't understand why. thank god i've ppl telling me im fine just the way i am so im just gonna let it pass and not get bothered abt it. but my conversations with Dr Yap was good. there is just something manly about him. the way he is in control but yet vulnerable. hmmmm...
trainings... hmmm. i dont have much comment. i just hope things will get better. im only human. i cant accustom myself to every single human. so be it.
i went out with a fren of mine from the interior design side. we met up cos he's gg NS soon and he wants to see me so yep. anyway we had our meal and then talked for awhile. and then his fren came along. and that fren of his is an NS boy, still serving last few months of his ns. and so we talked abt future, plans, women( i was rather open minded towards dat part of conversation cos i had to agree there r truths in it) and money. yep. his fren was rather matured and i've got to say cool. tho he's very mat-ish. but hey he's doing rather fine, having a business of his own. and he's 23. and his advices and qns made me think twice abt everything. he knows better cos he's at a stage where he wont b serving NS anymore soon and he gt to plan ahead. so sharing his insight was rather good for me i guess. i've learnt dat i need to plan at least 10 yrs ahead, got to know what i wanna do and its driving me crazy now. heh.
hmm. and i went pass my old hse at haig road. it was good. had memories there that i will NEVER forget. i wanna buy back my old hse can?
wat else.have been really a gd girl. ive been reading up on alot of things. brainwashing myself. lol
nak seribu daya, tak nak seribu dalih. how true.
and i MISS you. yes you. mr coconut. i miss the kelapa too. o well. soon ya
o ya. 4PM. haha been enjoying my trip there. i kind of got used to the environment there. great ppl, nice kids(minus the restless-ness & the naughtiness) and the camp meetings all that just made me bond with them more. it's all good. i like it there. i think. the only minus point is the transport money. damn killer. but o well, all for good cause.
and oh farah, kite rindu awak lah. bila awak nak dtg trg!??!!?!? lol.
nothing can bring me down except myself. *smiles* nothing can make me happy except myself too.
i was just doing a lil of cleaning up. my book shelf. i have a lot of books that i tho i never had. i think partly because they were brought home by my sis from my Joo Chiat house. but it's all good cos like i said i wanna read the books again for better understanding. brainwash!!!
and i also did look thru my photos and my junks. see which one i need to get rid of and which to keep. but i realised i cldn't get rid of any cos the first place they are there is because they meant alot to me. and yeah. while looking thru, i noticed i have alot of things that i held on dear to. that i kept secretly, things that i tot i threw away. made me realised alot of things. o well i like it the way it is now.
arh. things will get better. i have faith.
A return to love...
i saw this qoute at 4PM and found it rather meaningful. been meaning to post it up here but my net was damn irritating lah but im here so yeahOur deepest fear is not that we are inadequate:
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn serve the world.
There is nothing enlighthened about shrinking so that other people
wont feel insecure around you. We were born to
magnify the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.
-Maranne Williamson
so i shall not despise myself or hate anything bout myself. not that i do. *grin*
and yeah. funny how i tell myself stuffs. how i comfort myself.
delusion.
funny how i felt when i read thru my previous entries, i forgot what i meant or said. it seems to be in code. lol. i express myself in blog but not bluntly. and now im cracking my brain what happened then or who was it or wat. ironic.
i think i have to agree with sab totally that im a very non-verbal person. i don't say much right?
so yeah, its expressed unknowingly. argh o well.
am suppose to go the Pulau Besar with lion red peepz but i cant lah. i've got alot of things to settle so yeah.
Friday, May 20, 2005
im back?
i haven been blogging for long. bcos of the net prob and every time i clicked on publish my post, it went crazy. so pardon me ya.ALOT of things happened for the past few weeks. had my ups and downs but most importantly im definitely HAPPY now. as in really happy. i dunno. im quite settled with my decision. to just follow my heart. that i want nothing back in return but to just give. and of cos feel. not think.
i dun really care whether i gonna get hurt or not cos in the end no matter wat decision i make, i'll definitely get hurt. like i said in my previous posts, hurt wont hurt if you don't think about it. mind over matter. so yep. heart. i got tired of thinking logically. another thing that is making me happy is that, my craves for chocolate is not that bad now. i've gt to control my intake of chocos. *grin* im glad. ive got cravings for other things instead.
and my work at TTSH was nt dat good. i had ppl bringing me down, telling me to go on diet or watever crap which i don't understand why. thank god i've ppl telling me im fine just the way i am so im just gonna let it pass and not get bothered abt it. but my conversations with Dr Yap was good. there is just something manly about him. the way he is in control but yet vulnerable. hmmmm...
trainings... hmmm. i dont have much comment. i just hope things will get better. im only human. i cant accustom myself to every single human. so be it.
i went out with a fren of mine from the interior design side. we met up cos he's gg NS soon and he wants to see me so yep. anyway we had our meal and then talked for awhile. and then his fren came along. and that fren of his is an NS boy, still serving last few months of his ns. and so we talked abt future, plans, women( i was rather open minded towards dat part of conversation cos i had to agree there r truths in it) and money. yep. his fren was rather matured and i've got to say cool. tho he's very mat-ish. but hey he's doing rather fine, having a business of his own. and he's 23. and his advices and qns made me think twice abt everything. he knows better cos he's at a stage where he wont b serving NS anymore soon and he gt to plan ahead. so sharing his insight was rather good for me i guess. i've learnt dat i need to plan at least 10 yrs ahead, got to know what i wanna do and its driving me crazy now. heh.
hmm. and i went pass my old hse at haig road. it was good. had memories there that i will NEVER forget. i wanna buy back my old hse can?
wat else.have been really a gd girl. ive been reading up on alot of things. brainwashing myself. lol
nak seribu daya, tak nak seribu dalih. how true.
and i MISS you. yes you. mr coconut. i miss the kelapa too. o well. soon ya
o ya. 4PM. haha been enjoying my trip there. i kind of got used to the environment there. great ppl, nice kids(minus the restless-ness & the naughtiness) and the camp meetings all that just made me bond with them more. it's all good. i like it there. i think. the only minus point is the transport money. damn killer. but o well, all for good cause.
and oh farah, kite rindu awak lah. bila awak nak dtg trg!??!!?!? lol.
nothing can bring me down except myself. *smiles* nothing can make me happy except myself too.